I Stumbled

Yoga:  30 minute DVD
Bloating:   5
Cramping:  6
BM Satisfaction:   5

Last night I binged and purged.   This is the 3rd time I've done so since last summer, when it was happening fairly regularly.    The last time was just a few days before I flew out of state to get ED treatment.   All during treatment, the entire weight gain process, I didn't binge or purge once.   Since I was enrolled in a day program, I was with many girls who, during morning check in, would discose that they'd engaged in bulimic behaviour the night before.  I could empathize with them becuase, God knows, I have been there.  I did it for over a decade.   But when I listened to their stories, I felt relief - I really thought those days were over for me.   Bulimia makes my IBS a thousand times worse, so I just would not allow myself to torture myself that way anymore.   And of course the act itself is just awful, violent, makes my eyes bloodshot and my glands swell and my heart race and my head pound and my sleep tortured.   I regret it so deeply afterwards that it has lost any appeal to me whatsoever. 

And then last night.   What happened?   It's pretty simple:  I wasn't following my meal plan.  For a number of reasons, I restricted at breakfast and lunch, then I missed afternoon snack, went way too long until dinner, ate dinner too fast, had a dessert which, when I bit into, revealed actual mold.  Ate the damned thing anyways - and then I was off and running. 

There was also an emotional piece.  I was sad last night.  Sad at being alone on a Saturday night, walking through Little Italy on an unusually brisk evening and felt this summer draw to a close.   Again, a summer spent mostly alone.   The neighborhood was alive with people, eating lasagna and funnel cakes on paper plates.  I was hungry but I am still fearful of these foods.   So I wander and I watch others eat and I feel so along, always and forever alone.  

While I was in treatment, I fell in love with the meal plan.  At last!  A simple way of ensuring that I got enough at every meal, never got too hungry, stayed satisfied, and ate a balanced diet containing enough servings of all the food groups.   As long as I followed my meal plan, I figured I would never binge again.  I was staying with my aunt, in a house rammed with caloric treats, and I never binged once.   The treatment center staff were as impressed with me as I was. 

The problem is that my meal plan was designed for gaining weight.   Although it was reduced with the goal of maintaining my weight a few weeks before I left treatment,  I did not, in fact, maintain on the revised plan.   I gained a few more pounds in treatment, then a few more after leaving treatment, and I am just not prepared to gain any more at this point.  Which leaves me with the sticky task of figuring out what an actual maintenance plan would look like for me.

So I have been tweaking it here and there, but yesterday I didn't even stick to my own edited plan.   For one, it was raining, so I didn't get the groceries as I usually do on Saturdays.  So I was low on food.   But also, I will admit, I was (am?) not even trying to simply maintain - I am trying to lose weight.  The number on the scale has creeped just a little too high for comfort.   So I figured I need to scale the diet way back.  

I am not going to beat myself up too much.  Instead, I am choosing to be grateful for last night, as it reminded me - in a not-so-subtle way - that I need to "work" my recovery.   Skipping meals and restricting for me is  a road straight to hell.   

I have signed up at the gym and have been debating whether to get my metabolism assessed on their fancy-dance scale.   I am worried it might be triggering, especially being told my body fat percentage which I'm sure is on the high side of acceptable.   But it might be helpful for me to find out how many calories I am burning in a day, and then I could figure out a meal plan based on that, versus my current method of trial and error. 

This is when I really wish I was still in treatment.  I wish I could afford a nutritionist to help me with this.   Maybe I need to get some more help.