Weight

Yoga: 20 minute DVD
Bloating:   7
Cramping:  5
BM Satisfaction:   8

I am mired in ED thoughts today.  I really, really, really think I look better at about 5 pounds less than I am now.   (Well, I also think I look better at 10 pounds less, but I know that weight is too hard to maintain and is an unhealthy BMI).    I have never been at the weight I am now and not been trying to lose more.  The idea of staying at this weight seems scary and wierd and... wrong.   Why weigh more than what looks best on your figure?  Because I am an apple-shape, I feel I have more of a womanly, hourglassy figure when I'm a little thinner. 

But I probably shouldn't be losing weight.   I'm still not menstruating.   As for what my body's "set point' is, I have no idea.   The last time I was not exhibiting ED behaviours I was 12 years old.     In high school I didn't have a full-blown ED but I developped bad eating habits - I stopped packing a lunch to school (in a misguided attempt to lose weight), then got home at 4 pm starving and binged on an almost daily basis.   I was about 5-7 pounds heavier in high school than I am now.  And this is the scary part for me - I was and am still convinced I was much too fat in high school.   So if I was "too fat" at 7 pounds more than this, how could I possibly be okay now?

(And yes, I realize that maybe I was wrong in high school.  This is what my sister tells me.    I mean, I know I am not actually a fat person at that weight.  But my chest is larger, it's harder to find clothes that work, etc etc.)

So yeah.  I want to lose a tiny bit of weight.   I know.  ED.  At the same time, I have grown to like the amount of food I eat in a day - it doesn't feel like tons, and I wouldn't want to eat much less.  So my solution is, yes, you guessed it, exercise.  But not the cardio-heavy workouts I did in the past.   I want to build some muscle so that I look better at the size I'm at now, and so that my metabolism starts burning a few more calories when my body's at rest.

The yoga is great but I am using it as more of a relaxation technique.  So today I rejoined the gym attached to my office, and hope to use my lunch breaks more produtctively - to actually leave my desk, which I never do, and go do a pilates or strength training class. 

Yeah, this post is really sad.  So much to achieve, to do... and I'm stuck on 5 pounds and muscles and all the rest of it.     I have als been thinking a lot about plastic surgery - fixing my nose, tightening my jawline, plumping my lips.   And hair extensions.   Etc.  Etc. Etc.  That's the thing - it never ends.    At 5 pounds less I will not be happier.  There is always something else.