Triggers

Yoga:  2 hour class
Bloating:  4
Cramping:  3
BM Satisfaction:   7

Not a too-bad day, IBS-wise.   Got quite bloated after my afternoon snack of almonds - wondering if they are causing problems.   Decided to soak my almonds overnight this week to see if that helps.  

I struggled in yoga.  I hadn't taken a class with this teacher before, and she has a devout following at the studio, so I was expecting greatness.   And it wasn't a bad class, I just found her tone a little too serious for me.   I actually have a crush on this woman's brother, also a yoga teacher, but I am sensing that they are both a bit negative.   Like berating their students a little.    Just a subtle feeling that we were disappointing her.   I dunno, I just felt no joy today.   Also, I had eaten lunch just an hour before, and the studio was hot and packed and I felt really nauseous.  So I was just kind of counting the minutes.    My heart sank when we hit the 90-minute mark and we still weren't in savasana and I realized it was a 2-hour class.

Also, the anorexic girl was there.   She is hard to look at, she is so thin.    Skin stretched over tendons and veins.    She is quite adept at yoga, does all the advanced variations of poses, holds her headstands forever, and throws in an extra vinyasa any chance she gets (burns more calories, natch).   I spent much of the class debating whether I should tell the staff that they should not be letting her take an ashtanga class, she could drop dead at any minute.    Then I realized that what I was wasn't genuine concern for her wellbeing, but rage, indignation:  How dare she be allowed to roam around freely in that body, doing as she wishes?  I wasn't!   

And then I reminded myself that when I was thin, like her, I was sad.  It was painful.   That yogini is suffering.  She doesn't need my hate, she needs my compassion.

 Also there was a guy who grunted and sighed throughout class.  Like he was having sex - or going to the bathroom.   Either way, between him and the stick figure and my nausea, it wasn't a dream class.

This afternoon I watched the rest of the Entourage DVDs I rented.   I have been watching this stuff all weekend - and also hating my body all weekend.    Every episode features a half dozen young, thin, insanely gorgeous female specimens.   This season was particularly disturbing in that the girl who plays a supporting role as one of the girlfriends is clearly, vastly underweight.    I'd put her at 90 pounds max.  It's that Nicole Richie look which is, unfortunately, fashionable.  I get that.  But to present her as also the object of male lust?  She looks like an infant.   With a very, very large head.

So of course I had to google this actress and read that she was not always so emaciated.   ED - and Hollywood - claims another victim.

I am so tired of hating my body.   And yet everywhere I look, I get the message that this is what counts, this is what I'm good for.  

Maybe I need to start looking in new places.   I.e. not Entourage.






Steak.