Yoga: 20-minute DVD
Bloating: 7 (looked bad but not painful)
Cramping: 6
BM Satisfaction: 6 (went twice, morning was good but evening left me crampy)
I am not sure I am going to keep up the format of this blog - the daily symptom and yoga log. Seems kind of repetitive and probably not useful for anyone except for me.
Sunday started rough. As I wrote on Saturday, I had been concerned about the fact that I was going to a family bbq, the timing of which cut into my go-to-the-bathroom schedule. So on Sunday I tried to go beforehand - but I ended up forcing too much and consequently throwing my gut into spasm. So I left for the barbeque feeling both constipated and competely cramped up. Not a fun combination.
I still managed to have a good time there - I had quite a bit of wine, and yes I know it aggravates IBS but I was trying to relax the iron-clad grip of my colon. And everyone seemed very pleased to see the "old me" back. My uncle gave me like a full-body-contact hug - he had also had a lot of wine, lol. When you are trapped in the ED mindframe of Skinny Is Best, you don't fully appreciate that it makes other people feel sad to look at you. Not just because you look, well, freakin' HUNGRY, but because you don't look like YOU. I mean, I just saw my aunt and uncle a few months ago, and yet when I walked in their house, it's like I was war-weary soldier returning from the front.
So yeah, I felt like crap physically but I also felt happy and loved. The weather was perfect and the food (and sangria!) were delish. And I had a great conversation with my cousin's girlfriend M who likewise suffers from bloating and constipation, and who likewise went to a naturopath (in fact, the same one I saw 13 years ago) who prescribed a rigid diet and a whack of supplements. M also felt the stress of trying to follow that diet. And she recently noticed that her stomach problems dissappeared while on vacation. So M is coming to feel that her unhappy gut has more to do with her stressful, drama-filled job than her diet. ]
However, M did mention that she found kefir was the one thing that seemed to help. I take a probiotic and I eat yoghurt, but I figured no harm in trying kefir as well, since she's the 3rd person in the last couple of months to mention it to me - my shiatsu guy just recommended it last week. So I picked some up today.
At the barbeque, I also couldn't help notice my other cousin C's approach to food (and yes, I notice everyone's approach to food). She had an eating disorder as a teen, and then shifted to a raw food diet, then eating for your blood type, etc. I think that a lot of formerly-ED people do this - sure, they aren't puking up their meals anymore, but they refuse to eat normally, always looking for the perfect, "right" diet. At least, I did. And I notice she is still quite slim, and still eats so differently than everyone else. And it makes me sad. She doesn't know I just spent 3 months in ED treatment, so I am thinking of writing her an email just sharing with her my experience. But I'm not sure I should meddle, as we are not that close.
There is a woman I work with who is perpetually "on a diet" and makes a lot of comments about other people's bodies and what they are eating. Today she came by my desk as I was eating lunch - cottage cheese, celery, peanut butter sandwich - and asked me if I was on a diet. I said no, why? She said, that just looks like diet food. I said, no I actually like cottage cheese. I am not sure of the point of this story. Just that I wish this woman would stop talking to me about diets and weight and don't X and Y have the most perfect bodies. As if I am now a card-carrying member of the not-perfect body club, along with her. Grrrr.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Shopping Is Bad for My Health
Yoga: 1.5 hour class (with the uber cute instructor who is gonna one day father my children)
Cramping: 5 (after dinner)
Bloating: 4
BM Satisfaction: 7
I had a pretty great morning and early afternoon - my usual ritual of yoga, shower, eat lunch while watching Come Dine with Me (brilliant show, if you like British humour and dinner parties), then to the grocery store for my week's haul. Yoga was with this gorgeous god of a teacher whom I want so much to impress with my perfect asanas. It's actually funny, sometimes when he is describing a pose, I get so distracted looking at his body that I don't listen to what he's saying, and then he gently chastises me for not following his instructions. If only he knew what was going on my little mind!
In late afternoon, I turned my mind to the question of what I'm going to wear tomorrow to a barbeque at my aunt and uncle's. I have debated all week whether I should even go. Frankly, I don't want them seeing me the way I look right now. I mean, these are my relatives, they've seen me in diapers. I am being ridiculous. But that's the ED, I guess. Anyway, I tried on a few of my things and just felt nothing is working on my body right now. It's easy to conceal thighs with a skirt, or arms with a t-shirt, but I find it impossible to hide the fact that I have almost no waist, a huge stomach and a muffin top.
Finally I settled on some yoga-type capri pants and wedge sandals but was still stumped in the shirt department. So I decide I'm just gonna pop into the stores to buy a looser style of tank top. Mistake. I wander the stores and all I see are clothes that I don't feel I can wear. Maybe I need to stop thinking I need to conceal my fat, maybe that's the problem. But I'm not there yet. All I saw were cute clothes that would have looked amazing on me 10 pounds ago. Fashion really is for the thin.
After about an hour of wandering through the racks, punctured by a few meltdowns as I stared down my bra-and-pantied reflection in the changing room mirros, I noticed my stomach felt tense. I was feeling fine before shopping. And it saddened me to know that I am letting my poor body image affect my gut, my digestion. Not only am I suffering mentally, but I am adding to my physical pain. It's horrible. It is a beautiful summer's day and I am walking down the street fighting back tears. And the only thing that calms me is telling myself that in a year's time, I won't look like this. That a year's worth of yoga and weight training....and yes, maybe even dieting.. I'll have a different, better shape. I'm be skipping down this same street with definition in my arms, an actual WAIST, a shitload of shopping bags, and a spring in my step.
But that thought, that image -that's not recovery. Recovery is accepting that this IS my body and appreciating it the way it is. I look at other girls on the street, and yeah, there are some teeny-weeny ones, but there a lot of girls who are bigger than me. And somehow they look fine in their clothes. Whereas I look atrocious. How can this be? I actually find myself thinking, "Well, that's okay for them, but not for me. I need to be thinner to be attractive." But why should the rules be different for me? I think that's always been at the core of my ED, the thought that I can't "get away" with just having a normal, average body. That because I am not the world's greatest beauty in terms of my face and hair, that I needed an astounding body to make up for it. And I still feel that way. That, as is, I am not good enough as I am. Guys aren't looking my way on the street these days. I am totally, absymally, ordinary.
Cramping: 5 (after dinner)
Bloating: 4
BM Satisfaction: 7
I had a pretty great morning and early afternoon - my usual ritual of yoga, shower, eat lunch while watching Come Dine with Me (brilliant show, if you like British humour and dinner parties), then to the grocery store for my week's haul. Yoga was with this gorgeous god of a teacher whom I want so much to impress with my perfect asanas. It's actually funny, sometimes when he is describing a pose, I get so distracted looking at his body that I don't listen to what he's saying, and then he gently chastises me for not following his instructions. If only he knew what was going on my little mind!
In late afternoon, I turned my mind to the question of what I'm going to wear tomorrow to a barbeque at my aunt and uncle's. I have debated all week whether I should even go. Frankly, I don't want them seeing me the way I look right now. I mean, these are my relatives, they've seen me in diapers. I am being ridiculous. But that's the ED, I guess. Anyway, I tried on a few of my things and just felt nothing is working on my body right now. It's easy to conceal thighs with a skirt, or arms with a t-shirt, but I find it impossible to hide the fact that I have almost no waist, a huge stomach and a muffin top.
Finally I settled on some yoga-type capri pants and wedge sandals but was still stumped in the shirt department. So I decide I'm just gonna pop into the stores to buy a looser style of tank top. Mistake. I wander the stores and all I see are clothes that I don't feel I can wear. Maybe I need to stop thinking I need to conceal my fat, maybe that's the problem. But I'm not there yet. All I saw were cute clothes that would have looked amazing on me 10 pounds ago. Fashion really is for the thin.
After about an hour of wandering through the racks, punctured by a few meltdowns as I stared down my bra-and-pantied reflection in the changing room mirros, I noticed my stomach felt tense. I was feeling fine before shopping. And it saddened me to know that I am letting my poor body image affect my gut, my digestion. Not only am I suffering mentally, but I am adding to my physical pain. It's horrible. It is a beautiful summer's day and I am walking down the street fighting back tears. And the only thing that calms me is telling myself that in a year's time, I won't look like this. That a year's worth of yoga and weight training....and yes, maybe even dieting.. I'll have a different, better shape. I'm be skipping down this same street with definition in my arms, an actual WAIST, a shitload of shopping bags, and a spring in my step.
But that thought, that image -that's not recovery. Recovery is accepting that this IS my body and appreciating it the way it is. I look at other girls on the street, and yeah, there are some teeny-weeny ones, but there a lot of girls who are bigger than me. And somehow they look fine in their clothes. Whereas I look atrocious. How can this be? I actually find myself thinking, "Well, that's okay for them, but not for me. I need to be thinner to be attractive." But why should the rules be different for me? I think that's always been at the core of my ED, the thought that I can't "get away" with just having a normal, average body. That because I am not the world's greatest beauty in terms of my face and hair, that I needed an astounding body to make up for it. And I still feel that way. That, as is, I am not good enough as I am. Guys aren't looking my way on the street these days. I am totally, absymally, ordinary.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Satisfaction
Yoga: 20 minute DVD
Other: shiatsu massage
Bloating: 7
Cramping: 3
BM Satisfaction: 8 (pretty freakin awesome)
Today I woke up still very bloated and was pretty uncomfortable all day. Felt better after shiatsu, then even better after I got home and went to the bathroom. I still don't have "complete" BMs but this one was pretty rad especially given how bad things have been for me lately.
I got on the scale this morning and it was a pound over what I consider my "upper limit" weight. Which bothered me all day. That number, coupled with the bloating and the general badness of my IBS lately, made me consider not going to a family barbeque this Sunday. These are relatives who haven't seen me since I regained weight. I am sure they will be thrilled to see I now look like a normal adult woman. But there is a part of me that worries they'll notice my rather ample gut and waist and think to themselves, "Why did she let herself gain THAT much weight?" or, "Wow, she really gains weight in all the wrong places". I am very, very self-conscious about my middle. I am an apple - and a particularly ripe apple at the moment.
I am also worried about how I'll feel on Sunday, will I be comfortable, will eating the rich food (my aunt is a phenomenal cook) and having some wine make me suffer more than it's worth. I will also admit, I am a bit wierd about timing. I am supposed to get to my aunt's house at around 3 pm. Which is when I usually go to the bathroom. So I am hoping I can manage to go before I leave my house, because for me it's a procedure far too lengthy to do at someone else's house. I would love to get to the point when I can go in the morning. As it is, I am constantly planning my day around having to be home in late afternoon.
I really like my shiatsu guy. I have had a LOT of experiences with alternative practicioners who put so much empahsis on what I'm eating. And their guidelines were often conflicting and invariably ruthlessly strict. He and I talk about diet but as he says, IBS is 20% about what I'm eating and 80% what is going on in my head and heart. As he kneaded my inner thigh (the Liver meridian in Chinese medicine, a key one for digestion. Get your minds out of the gutter, people!) he told me that too much thinking is bad for my digestion. I had to laugh - he now joins the ranks of men who have told me I think too much!
Other: shiatsu massage
Bloating: 7
Cramping: 3
BM Satisfaction: 8 (pretty freakin awesome)
Today I woke up still very bloated and was pretty uncomfortable all day. Felt better after shiatsu, then even better after I got home and went to the bathroom. I still don't have "complete" BMs but this one was pretty rad especially given how bad things have been for me lately.
I got on the scale this morning and it was a pound over what I consider my "upper limit" weight. Which bothered me all day. That number, coupled with the bloating and the general badness of my IBS lately, made me consider not going to a family barbeque this Sunday. These are relatives who haven't seen me since I regained weight. I am sure they will be thrilled to see I now look like a normal adult woman. But there is a part of me that worries they'll notice my rather ample gut and waist and think to themselves, "Why did she let herself gain THAT much weight?" or, "Wow, she really gains weight in all the wrong places". I am very, very self-conscious about my middle. I am an apple - and a particularly ripe apple at the moment.
I am also worried about how I'll feel on Sunday, will I be comfortable, will eating the rich food (my aunt is a phenomenal cook) and having some wine make me suffer more than it's worth. I will also admit, I am a bit wierd about timing. I am supposed to get to my aunt's house at around 3 pm. Which is when I usually go to the bathroom. So I am hoping I can manage to go before I leave my house, because for me it's a procedure far too lengthy to do at someone else's house. I would love to get to the point when I can go in the morning. As it is, I am constantly planning my day around having to be home in late afternoon.
I really like my shiatsu guy. I have had a LOT of experiences with alternative practicioners who put so much empahsis on what I'm eating. And their guidelines were often conflicting and invariably ruthlessly strict. He and I talk about diet but as he says, IBS is 20% about what I'm eating and 80% what is going on in my head and heart. As he kneaded my inner thigh (the Liver meridian in Chinese medicine, a key one for digestion. Get your minds out of the gutter, people!) he told me that too much thinking is bad for my digestion. I had to laugh - he now joins the ranks of men who have told me I think too much!
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Suppository Hell
Yoga: 20-minute Rodney Yee DVD
Other: Therapy
Bloating: 6
Cramping: 9
BM Satisfaction: 1
I had been taking Effexor for the past few days - I've decided to discontinue taking it because I am anxious about the side effects I've read about, and it seems counterproductive to be anxious about my anti-anxiety med. Anyway, the drug made me super constipated - if I don't go every day, it's very painful for me. So by this morning, after a night of restless, pain-tinged sleep, I threw in the towel and used a glycerin suppository. I haven't used one in months, and now I remember why! My bowel goes into the strongest spasm afterwards, just burning pain all day long. Ugh. Constipation is by far the lesser of the two evils. I promised my therapist I would throw out the suppositories once and for all. My colon spasms up just from "going" the regular way, so the last thing it needs is further provocation. For the constipation, I am going to up my Natural Calm (magnesium supplement) tonight, drink some pear juice and hope for the best tomorrow morning.
I was pretty bored at work today, and when I have time to kill, my mind tends to go to unproductive places. Today I was watching videos on YouTube about the raw food diet and its loyal adherents. It is still hard for me to watch this stuff without wondering if I could have better digestion with a different diet. Right now I'm eating a pretty standard diet - healthy, but "normal". Whole grains, lean proteins, dairy, fruit and veg. But for years I kept up a pretty stringent regime - no gluten, dairy, etc etc... but sometimes I wonder, did I not do enough? Was I eating too much sugar? Would juicing have made a difference?
Yesterday I bought some digestive enzymes and the health food store guy advised me to eat only warm foods. An acupuncturist I saw last month told me the same thing. I am not eating only warm foods. But I was, back last winter - and I was sicker than I'd ever been. So I am trying to take these people's advice with a grain of salt (or kelp-based salt substitute, in their world). It would be easier to do so if I had anyting ressembling a normally functioning bowel. And if I wasn't prone to the obsessive thinking that contributed to my eating disorder.
That's the thing - my mind will always search ways to perfect my body, my diet, my bowel movements - I want perfection in all these things and I must work on acceptance. That perhaps there is no "perfect" diet for my bowel, it's going to be spastic and wierd no matter what.
But I'm not sure. I'm just not sure.
Other: Therapy
Bloating: 6
Cramping: 9
BM Satisfaction: 1
I had been taking Effexor for the past few days - I've decided to discontinue taking it because I am anxious about the side effects I've read about, and it seems counterproductive to be anxious about my anti-anxiety med. Anyway, the drug made me super constipated - if I don't go every day, it's very painful for me. So by this morning, after a night of restless, pain-tinged sleep, I threw in the towel and used a glycerin suppository. I haven't used one in months, and now I remember why! My bowel goes into the strongest spasm afterwards, just burning pain all day long. Ugh. Constipation is by far the lesser of the two evils. I promised my therapist I would throw out the suppositories once and for all. My colon spasms up just from "going" the regular way, so the last thing it needs is further provocation. For the constipation, I am going to up my Natural Calm (magnesium supplement) tonight, drink some pear juice and hope for the best tomorrow morning.
I was pretty bored at work today, and when I have time to kill, my mind tends to go to unproductive places. Today I was watching videos on YouTube about the raw food diet and its loyal adherents. It is still hard for me to watch this stuff without wondering if I could have better digestion with a different diet. Right now I'm eating a pretty standard diet - healthy, but "normal". Whole grains, lean proteins, dairy, fruit and veg. But for years I kept up a pretty stringent regime - no gluten, dairy, etc etc... but sometimes I wonder, did I not do enough? Was I eating too much sugar? Would juicing have made a difference?
Yesterday I bought some digestive enzymes and the health food store guy advised me to eat only warm foods. An acupuncturist I saw last month told me the same thing. I am not eating only warm foods. But I was, back last winter - and I was sicker than I'd ever been. So I am trying to take these people's advice with a grain of salt (or kelp-based salt substitute, in their world). It would be easier to do so if I had anyting ressembling a normally functioning bowel. And if I wasn't prone to the obsessive thinking that contributed to my eating disorder.
That's the thing - my mind will always search ways to perfect my body, my diet, my bowel movements - I want perfection in all these things and I must work on acceptance. That perhaps there is no "perfect" diet for my bowel, it's going to be spastic and wierd no matter what.
But I'm not sure. I'm just not sure.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Effexor Panic
Yoga: 60-minute Rodney Yee DVD
Other: Therapy
Bloating: 6
Cramping: 0 (since I didn't go - no spasm afterwards)
BM Satisfaction: 0 (I am officially constipated - Effexor side effect)
So the drug I just started for anxiety is making me anxious. Specifically, the side effects I have been reading about on the internet have me pretty freaked out and very doubtful I'll continue this drug. It just seems very, very difficult to go off of - lots of scary-sounding withdrawal symptoms. And also... weight gain. I am reading stories of massive amounts of weight gain in a short period of time. I just... I can't.
The Effexor is already making me very constipated . If I don't go every day, it's serious trouble for me -I think because I have IBS, I am more sensitive to the contents of my bowel. I've missed two days now, I am hugely bloated and uncomfortable.
BUT I still did my yoga and I wore a baggy hoodie at work to conceal it.
I wrote an email to a pyschologist who blogs about eating disorders. I asked her what "recovery" from an ED looks like when you have IBS to contend with and can't simply "eat intuitively". An excerpt from her response:
My guess would be that your IBS was most likely caused or triggered by your eating disorder.
Any co-morbid conditions you may have, such as anxiety or depression, can also trigger or exacerbate IBS.
Another possibility is that you may not actually have IBS per se. As far as I know, doctors know very little about IBS and often use it as a "wastebasket diagnosis" after other possibilities have been ruled out, when they don't actually know what is causing the digestive problem.
What you (or your doctors) have labeled as IBS may simply be the remnants of ED and/or refeeding (which is also really hard on the digestive system). After 15 years of an eating disorder, most people would suffer some long-term damage to the digestive system as well as other body systems.
Most people with EDs experience bloating, gas, constipation, and gastroperisis (delayed gastric emptying) during and after weight restoration and normalization of eating patterns. This symptom usually remits after several weeks or months at a healthy weight with normalized eating. How long have you been weight restored? How long have you been eating normally (full range of food groups, adequate calories and fats, at least 3 times daily)? If you had an ED for 15 years, the process of normalizing digestion will obviously take longer than normal.
The psychological symptoms of ED (fear of certain foods, preoccupation with body image, etc.) will exacerbate any underlying physiologcal food intolerance.
If your digestive problems preceeded your ED, the digestive problems may have served as a gateway to the ED by prompting you to limit your diet and causing unintentional weight loss, thus triggering ED thoughts and behaviors.
In terms of treatment, I have heard anecdotal evidence that CBT can help with IBS. Specifically, learning to manage stress, relaxation training, and changing certain behaviors can help improve IBS symptoms.
I agree with her first statement - I believe my eating disorder caused my IBS. As for whether this is "real" IBS or simply the results of a malnourished digestive system... she is posing a question I have wondered for years. I suppose only time - time at a healhty weight, eating enough food - will tell.
Other: Therapy
Bloating: 6
Cramping: 0 (since I didn't go - no spasm afterwards)
BM Satisfaction: 0 (I am officially constipated - Effexor side effect)
So the drug I just started for anxiety is making me anxious. Specifically, the side effects I have been reading about on the internet have me pretty freaked out and very doubtful I'll continue this drug. It just seems very, very difficult to go off of - lots of scary-sounding withdrawal symptoms. And also... weight gain. I am reading stories of massive amounts of weight gain in a short period of time. I just... I can't.
The Effexor is already making me very constipated . If I don't go every day, it's serious trouble for me -I think because I have IBS, I am more sensitive to the contents of my bowel. I've missed two days now, I am hugely bloated and uncomfortable.
BUT I still did my yoga and I wore a baggy hoodie at work to conceal it.
I wrote an email to a pyschologist who blogs about eating disorders. I asked her what "recovery" from an ED looks like when you have IBS to contend with and can't simply "eat intuitively". An excerpt from her response:
My guess would be that your IBS was most likely caused or triggered by your eating disorder.
Any co-morbid conditions you may have, such as anxiety or depression, can also trigger or exacerbate IBS.
Another possibility is that you may not actually have IBS per se. As far as I know, doctors know very little about IBS and often use it as a "wastebasket diagnosis" after other possibilities have been ruled out, when they don't actually know what is causing the digestive problem.
What you (or your doctors) have labeled as IBS may simply be the remnants of ED and/or refeeding (which is also really hard on the digestive system). After 15 years of an eating disorder, most people would suffer some long-term damage to the digestive system as well as other body systems.
Most people with EDs experience bloating, gas, constipation, and gastroperisis (delayed gastric emptying) during and after weight restoration and normalization of eating patterns. This symptom usually remits after several weeks or months at a healthy weight with normalized eating. How long have you been weight restored? How long have you been eating normally (full range of food groups, adequate calories and fats, at least 3 times daily)? If you had an ED for 15 years, the process of normalizing digestion will obviously take longer than normal.
The psychological symptoms of ED (fear of certain foods, preoccupation with body image, etc.) will exacerbate any underlying physiologcal food intolerance.
If your digestive problems preceeded your ED, the digestive problems may have served as a gateway to the ED by prompting you to limit your diet and causing unintentional weight loss, thus triggering ED thoughts and behaviors.
In terms of treatment, I have heard anecdotal evidence that CBT can help with IBS. Specifically, learning to manage stress, relaxation training, and changing certain behaviors can help improve IBS symptoms.
I agree with her first statement - I believe my eating disorder caused my IBS. As for whether this is "real" IBS or simply the results of a malnourished digestive system... she is posing a question I have wondered for years. I suppose only time - time at a healhty weight, eating enough food - will tell.
Monday, August 23, 2010
A Bad Day
Yoga: nope
Other: therapy
Bloating: 9
Cramping: 2 (I only get crampy after I go. And I didn't go)
BM Satisfaction: 0 (see above)
Ugh, today sucked. I was really gassy last night, not sure why, so I had trouble getting to sleep and was awake for much for the night. I don't pass gas very easily, so it causes painful pressure and excruciating discomfort. I am currently tapering off zopiclone, which was my sure-fire way to get a full sleep, regardless of the air content of my colon. But in the past few days I have started tapering off that drug (while doubling my dose of amitryptiline) to see if the gradually the amitryptline alone can keep me sleeping.
I am also still fighting a little cold. So when I got to work it hit me that I felt awful. I left at noon for therapy and didn't come back. Took a sleeping pill (yes,the ones I'm supposed to be tapering off) and slept 4 hours.
Still feeling groggy from the pill, still feeling gassy. And constipated. And sore-throaty. Yeah, not really a top day today.
Other: therapy
Bloating: 9
Cramping: 2 (I only get crampy after I go. And I didn't go)
BM Satisfaction: 0 (see above)
Ugh, today sucked. I was really gassy last night, not sure why, so I had trouble getting to sleep and was awake for much for the night. I don't pass gas very easily, so it causes painful pressure and excruciating discomfort. I am currently tapering off zopiclone, which was my sure-fire way to get a full sleep, regardless of the air content of my colon. But in the past few days I have started tapering off that drug (while doubling my dose of amitryptiline) to see if the gradually the amitryptline alone can keep me sleeping.
I am also still fighting a little cold. So when I got to work it hit me that I felt awful. I left at noon for therapy and didn't come back. Took a sleeping pill (yes,the ones I'm supposed to be tapering off) and slept 4 hours.
Still feeling groggy from the pill, still feeling gassy. And constipated. And sore-throaty. Yeah, not really a top day today.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Thank You, Bowel!
Yoga: 1.5 hour Ashtange class
Bloating: 4
Cramping: 3
BM Satisfaction: 8 (it was truly a thing of beauty)
If only they could all be like today. Things just worked well. I did feel bloated after breakfast and would have liked to "go" then, but it only happened after lunch. Better late than never.
I am really struggling with body image. I feel that I look soooo much better at a lower weight. When I'm slimmer, I have an actual waistline, so my body looks more womanly. Some women find safety in anorexia because it robs your appearance of sexuality, reduces you to a narrow-hipped, breastless child. That wasn't really my experience. I felt sexier when I was slimmer, more feminine, more attractive to men. The only thing keeping me from trying to shave off 5 pounds is the fear that at a lower weight, I won't regain my period, and I will be infertile. Forever.
I am not sure I want kids at this point. And realistically, at the rate I'm going, it seems unlikely it'll happen. I haven't even been in a relationship for longer than a year. So I actually find myself thinking, "Well you may as well be thin, then." But that seems like a terrible bargain to make. The idea that I would refuse to weigh enough to be able to perform a near-universal femal function of bearing children. Kind of screams eating disorder, don't it.
Bloating: 4
Cramping: 3
BM Satisfaction: 8 (it was truly a thing of beauty)
If only they could all be like today. Things just worked well. I did feel bloated after breakfast and would have liked to "go" then, but it only happened after lunch. Better late than never.
I am really struggling with body image. I feel that I look soooo much better at a lower weight. When I'm slimmer, I have an actual waistline, so my body looks more womanly. Some women find safety in anorexia because it robs your appearance of sexuality, reduces you to a narrow-hipped, breastless child. That wasn't really my experience. I felt sexier when I was slimmer, more feminine, more attractive to men. The only thing keeping me from trying to shave off 5 pounds is the fear that at a lower weight, I won't regain my period, and I will be infertile. Forever.
I am not sure I want kids at this point. And realistically, at the rate I'm going, it seems unlikely it'll happen. I haven't even been in a relationship for longer than a year. So I actually find myself thinking, "Well you may as well be thin, then." But that seems like a terrible bargain to make. The idea that I would refuse to weigh enough to be able to perform a near-universal femal function of bearing children. Kind of screams eating disorder, don't it.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Feeling Lousy
Yoga: nada
Other: nada
Bloating: 7
Cramping: 6
BM satisfaction: 4 (constipated)
Not feeling too hot today. Back is whack (again. from that Yoga DVD. again.). Feel like I'm fighting a cold - sore throat etc. A little nauseous this morning from the Effexor which I just started yesterday. And stomach is uncomfortable.
Spent most of the day reading other blogs, celebrity gossip, and YouTube videos about eating disorders, body image, etc.
Disappointed in feeling sick, missed a good yoga class this morning. But c'est la vie.
Other: nada
Bloating: 7
Cramping: 6
BM satisfaction: 4 (constipated)
Not feeling too hot today. Back is whack (again. from that Yoga DVD. again.). Feel like I'm fighting a cold - sore throat etc. A little nauseous this morning from the Effexor which I just started yesterday. And stomach is uncomfortable.
Spent most of the day reading other blogs, celebrity gossip, and YouTube videos about eating disorders, body image, etc.
Disappointed in feeling sick, missed a good yoga class this morning. But c'est la vie.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Shiatsu and a Bagel
Yoga: 60 minute Rodney Yee Slow Burn DVD
Other: acupuncture/shiatsu treatment
Bloating: 5
Cramping: 5
BM satisfaction: 5 (sluggish, incomplete, took forever. I have been taking Ultra Inflamx to calm down the irritation and spasm, but it contains rice protein which makes me a bit C. So I think I will cut my dose in half.)
I am not comfortable right now. I didn't really have proper dinner foods so I ate a tomato-bocconcini-basil salad with a bagel and hummus. I think the latter two are making me feel quite full and bloated. Immdiately after dinner is the worst time of my day, when I am the most uncomfortable and antsy. So I am finding it helpful to post in my blog at this time. By the time I'm done writing, I am generally feeling a little better and calmer. Just in time for some bedtime cookies.
Today was my second session with the acupuncture/shiatsu guy. He is of Eastern European heritage, quite lovely, breath smells oniony but hey we can't all be perfect. Today I tried to tell him a bit about my recent history - the weight gain from having been anorexic, etc. He inquired, in his thick accent, "Why did you want to be skinny?" Ah, the hours and hours in therapy I have spent discussing that very thing. I answered, after some hemming and hawing, "Becuase I thought it looked better." Doesn't really do an ED justice but it seemed the simplest answer. He assured me that skinny doesn't look better, I look good now and so on. Although he add that I don't need to gain any more weight. Thanks for the reminder, shiatsu guy!
He said after working on my back that I have a lot of "balls" of energy trapped there. Next time he is going to dispense with the acupuncture needles and just do lots of stretching and muscle work. I love that stuff, so great in that good-sore way. I will admit that it also just feels really good to be touched. Even by an onion-breath.
I came home, did my yoga DVD - but a little more carefully this time, since I really wrenched my back on Wednesday. Then realized I hadn't really thought out dinner very well. Hence the bagel. It's so contrary to my "rules" to have a floury bagel for dinner after a floury sandwhich for lunch, but that's almost a reason I did it. I need to push against those rules every chance I get. Not because it's ideal to eat floury things all day, but just because one day doesn't matter. My body is not going to reject the bagel because I already ate a sandwich today. My body is just happy to be fed.
Oh yeah, AND they were giving out free ice cream samples at work today and I had one! Chocolate-marshmallow swirl, kind of awesome actually.
So all in all, not a bad day.
Other: acupuncture/shiatsu treatment
Bloating: 5
Cramping: 5
BM satisfaction: 5 (sluggish, incomplete, took forever. I have been taking Ultra Inflamx to calm down the irritation and spasm, but it contains rice protein which makes me a bit C. So I think I will cut my dose in half.)
I am not comfortable right now. I didn't really have proper dinner foods so I ate a tomato-bocconcini-basil salad with a bagel and hummus. I think the latter two are making me feel quite full and bloated. Immdiately after dinner is the worst time of my day, when I am the most uncomfortable and antsy. So I am finding it helpful to post in my blog at this time. By the time I'm done writing, I am generally feeling a little better and calmer. Just in time for some bedtime cookies.
Today was my second session with the acupuncture/shiatsu guy. He is of Eastern European heritage, quite lovely, breath smells oniony but hey we can't all be perfect. Today I tried to tell him a bit about my recent history - the weight gain from having been anorexic, etc. He inquired, in his thick accent, "Why did you want to be skinny?" Ah, the hours and hours in therapy I have spent discussing that very thing. I answered, after some hemming and hawing, "Becuase I thought it looked better." Doesn't really do an ED justice but it seemed the simplest answer. He assured me that skinny doesn't look better, I look good now and so on. Although he add that I don't need to gain any more weight. Thanks for the reminder, shiatsu guy!
He said after working on my back that I have a lot of "balls" of energy trapped there. Next time he is going to dispense with the acupuncture needles and just do lots of stretching and muscle work. I love that stuff, so great in that good-sore way. I will admit that it also just feels really good to be touched. Even by an onion-breath.
I came home, did my yoga DVD - but a little more carefully this time, since I really wrenched my back on Wednesday. Then realized I hadn't really thought out dinner very well. Hence the bagel. It's so contrary to my "rules" to have a floury bagel for dinner after a floury sandwhich for lunch, but that's almost a reason I did it. I need to push against those rules every chance I get. Not because it's ideal to eat floury things all day, but just because one day doesn't matter. My body is not going to reject the bagel because I already ate a sandwich today. My body is just happy to be fed.
Oh yeah, AND they were giving out free ice cream samples at work today and I had one! Chocolate-marshmallow swirl, kind of awesome actually.
So all in all, not a bad day.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
34 going on 90
Yoga: none - back was hurting too much
Other: therapy, hypnotherapy CD
Bloating: 7
Cramping: 5 (I cramp up after every BM)
BM Satisfaction: 4 (incomplete. I think I need to drink more water)
Yet another cel phone alarm-clock malfunction this morning, I'm now wondering if my phone is on its deathbed. Woke up at 7:35, took a shower, even shaved my legs, and hopped in cab in time to arrive in time for therapy at 8. To spend an hour talking about body image. I am sure my therapist is delighted she got up early for me to dissect how my life has been utterly destroyed by the last 5 pounds I gained.
Very uncomfortable at work, and was wearing this skirt that tends to rise up as the day goes on and my bloating increases. So by 5 pm it is practically around my armpits. Which makes me just feel all the more self-conscious about my size. I bought this skirt a few weeks ago in a fit of denial about my actual size; I really should have bought one size larger so it would sit on my hips, not just under my bra.
I was still very sore from whatever wierd thing I did to my back in yoga yesterday. I felt like a little old lady all day today, wincing every time I got up or sat down. So I tried about 5 seconds of yoga when I got home, but it was clear that was not happening, I can barely bend over. So I popped in a CD of hypnotherapy for IBS.
Tonight I wrote a long email to a pen pal who also has IBS and a serious ED and is a very, very ill woman. She recently left the hospital after 3 weeks of refeeding because she could no longer stand the pain from the meal plan they had her on - 5,000 cals, Ensures, etc.. Now she's back on her own, her anorexia has swung into bulimia, and she's wondering if she made the right decision. She feels stuck between a rock and a hard place. Or, more precisely, a painfully bloated and constipated place. I urged her to go back to the hospital and made my best argument for the idea that 50% of her IBS symptoms are possibly not truly IBS, but merely the temporary results of being at a low weight and having restricted certain foods for so long. And so that 50% can improve if she sticks with the meal plan. I discussed the different types of "problem" foods and suggested easier-to-digest alternatives, and some other little tips that got me through it.
I have never met this woman but I can tell she is extremely anxious - as I am. So I added that she will also need to adjust her mindframe if she is to get through the difficult process of refeeding. To stop that flight or flight response which is diverting her blood flow away from her digestive system and to her limbs - to help run from the tiger, right? She is going to have to harness her own power to relax about the process and remind herself that, though her colon might seem to disagree, by feeding herself she is giving herself the best possible gift.
Other: therapy, hypnotherapy CD
Bloating: 7
Cramping: 5 (I cramp up after every BM)
BM Satisfaction: 4 (incomplete. I think I need to drink more water)
Yet another cel phone alarm-clock malfunction this morning, I'm now wondering if my phone is on its deathbed. Woke up at 7:35, took a shower, even shaved my legs, and hopped in cab in time to arrive in time for therapy at 8. To spend an hour talking about body image. I am sure my therapist is delighted she got up early for me to dissect how my life has been utterly destroyed by the last 5 pounds I gained.
Very uncomfortable at work, and was wearing this skirt that tends to rise up as the day goes on and my bloating increases. So by 5 pm it is practically around my armpits. Which makes me just feel all the more self-conscious about my size. I bought this skirt a few weeks ago in a fit of denial about my actual size; I really should have bought one size larger so it would sit on my hips, not just under my bra.
I was still very sore from whatever wierd thing I did to my back in yoga yesterday. I felt like a little old lady all day today, wincing every time I got up or sat down. So I tried about 5 seconds of yoga when I got home, but it was clear that was not happening, I can barely bend over. So I popped in a CD of hypnotherapy for IBS.
Tonight I wrote a long email to a pen pal who also has IBS and a serious ED and is a very, very ill woman. She recently left the hospital after 3 weeks of refeeding because she could no longer stand the pain from the meal plan they had her on - 5,000 cals, Ensures, etc.. Now she's back on her own, her anorexia has swung into bulimia, and she's wondering if she made the right decision. She feels stuck between a rock and a hard place. Or, more precisely, a painfully bloated and constipated place. I urged her to go back to the hospital and made my best argument for the idea that 50% of her IBS symptoms are possibly not truly IBS, but merely the temporary results of being at a low weight and having restricted certain foods for so long. And so that 50% can improve if she sticks with the meal plan. I discussed the different types of "problem" foods and suggested easier-to-digest alternatives, and some other little tips that got me through it.
I have never met this woman but I can tell she is extremely anxious - as I am. So I added that she will also need to adjust her mindframe if she is to get through the difficult process of refeeding. To stop that flight or flight response which is diverting her blood flow away from her digestive system and to her limbs - to help run from the tiger, right? She is going to have to harness her own power to relax about the process and remind herself that, though her colon might seem to disagree, by feeding herself she is giving herself the best possible gift.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
To Market, To Market
Yoga: 60-minute Rodney Yee Slow Burn DVD
Other: not therapy... I overslept!
Bloating: 6
Cramping: 4
BM Satisfaction: 4 (incomplete, no strong urge)
Day started poorly - well, actually it started with a GREAT dream. But then I awoke, stared at my watch and blinked several times, not believing that I had slept til 8:20. My therapy starts at 8. Darn.
As I rushed around getting ready for work at 9, I made the mistake (overstatement of my life) of getting on the scale. When am I going to learn? It was about 1.5 lbs heavier than what I consider my "top" weight right now. My hair was wet, and I found myself wondering if there could possibly be 2 pounds of water clinging to my (very short, fine) hair. Not bloody likely. Serves me right for getting on the scale.
I am still unsure whether I should be cool with weight gain because I need to be gaining, or whether it's a sign that I should reduce my meal plan. To be honest I don't really want to reduce it, I don't feel I'm eating a ton and have become quite comfortable and satisfied on my current intake. I know that I'm still a relatively low weight - BMI of just under 21, and anorexic women's periods often only come back in BMI of 22 or higher. Still, the way it's come back on my body - you wouldn't call me slender. Very, very round. Not a lot of muscle, but rather boobs and rolls and jiggle and even - gasp - cellulite. The idea of gaining more is still terrifying right now. I want a chance to build back some more muscle before considering putting on more fat. Although something tells me I may not have much say in the matter - my body seems to be acting of its own accord these days. I was ready to stop gaining 5 pounds ago.
I saw my GP today to discuss getting a referral to a CBT program and to get a prescription for Effexor as per my therapist's recommendation. We are also going to start tapering the zopiclone I've been reliant on for sleep, since the trapped gas and cramping keep me awake. But I've been on zopiclone for a while now and it is addictive, so the plan is to double the amitryptiline I'm taking at night, take the Effexor in the morning, and ditch the zopiclone altogether.
I actually arrived at my GP's a half-hour early (I am never, ever early. I had put in in my calendar at the wrong time). So I thought I'd try to grab lunch while I waited. I wandered through the local market, a great big barn-like structure full of deli counters and fresh produce and such. But the sandwiches I saw people buying all looked "too big" and doughy and fatty, and I was thinking of the number on the scale and of my slightly off tummuy and of the fact that I already felt I looked bloated in my skirt, and I just didn't want to risk it. So I waited until I returned to the office and ate the lunch I'd packed. That's the thing with IBS, it's like a cold shower on the risk-taking touted as integral to getting over an eating disorder. If you manage to get over the calorie fears, there is still the concern about feeling worse after you eat X or Y. And it's not a unfounded concern, either - the richer the foods I eat, the more bloated I get and the worse my cramping is the next day.
I tried a new yoga DVD tonight, Rodney Yee's Slow Burn. It's rather tai-chi like in that the movements are done very slowly, very controlled, one flowing into the next, which he says encourages more mindfulness and strengthens the muscles. I liked it. Sadly, I clearly did something wrong along the way because I now have a painful twinge in my lower back/butt area.
The IBS today wasn't too bad but I just felt a bit yucky inside all day. Going to bed early tonight and double-checking my alarm to make sure I'm up on time for therapy. In my world, 8 am is an ungodly hour to have to be anywhere, but if my therapist is willing to wake up to see me, surely I can manage to do the same.
Other: not therapy... I overslept!
Bloating: 6
Cramping: 4
BM Satisfaction: 4 (incomplete, no strong urge)
Day started poorly - well, actually it started with a GREAT dream. But then I awoke, stared at my watch and blinked several times, not believing that I had slept til 8:20. My therapy starts at 8. Darn.
As I rushed around getting ready for work at 9, I made the mistake (overstatement of my life) of getting on the scale. When am I going to learn? It was about 1.5 lbs heavier than what I consider my "top" weight right now. My hair was wet, and I found myself wondering if there could possibly be 2 pounds of water clinging to my (very short, fine) hair. Not bloody likely. Serves me right for getting on the scale.
I am still unsure whether I should be cool with weight gain because I need to be gaining, or whether it's a sign that I should reduce my meal plan. To be honest I don't really want to reduce it, I don't feel I'm eating a ton and have become quite comfortable and satisfied on my current intake. I know that I'm still a relatively low weight - BMI of just under 21, and anorexic women's periods often only come back in BMI of 22 or higher. Still, the way it's come back on my body - you wouldn't call me slender. Very, very round. Not a lot of muscle, but rather boobs and rolls and jiggle and even - gasp - cellulite. The idea of gaining more is still terrifying right now. I want a chance to build back some more muscle before considering putting on more fat. Although something tells me I may not have much say in the matter - my body seems to be acting of its own accord these days. I was ready to stop gaining 5 pounds ago.
I saw my GP today to discuss getting a referral to a CBT program and to get a prescription for Effexor as per my therapist's recommendation. We are also going to start tapering the zopiclone I've been reliant on for sleep, since the trapped gas and cramping keep me awake. But I've been on zopiclone for a while now and it is addictive, so the plan is to double the amitryptiline I'm taking at night, take the Effexor in the morning, and ditch the zopiclone altogether.
I actually arrived at my GP's a half-hour early (I am never, ever early. I had put in in my calendar at the wrong time). So I thought I'd try to grab lunch while I waited. I wandered through the local market, a great big barn-like structure full of deli counters and fresh produce and such. But the sandwiches I saw people buying all looked "too big" and doughy and fatty, and I was thinking of the number on the scale and of my slightly off tummuy and of the fact that I already felt I looked bloated in my skirt, and I just didn't want to risk it. So I waited until I returned to the office and ate the lunch I'd packed. That's the thing with IBS, it's like a cold shower on the risk-taking touted as integral to getting over an eating disorder. If you manage to get over the calorie fears, there is still the concern about feeling worse after you eat X or Y. And it's not a unfounded concern, either - the richer the foods I eat, the more bloated I get and the worse my cramping is the next day.
I tried a new yoga DVD tonight, Rodney Yee's Slow Burn. It's rather tai-chi like in that the movements are done very slowly, very controlled, one flowing into the next, which he says encourages more mindfulness and strengthens the muscles. I liked it. Sadly, I clearly did something wrong along the way because I now have a painful twinge in my lower back/butt area.
The IBS today wasn't too bad but I just felt a bit yucky inside all day. Going to bed early tonight and double-checking my alarm to make sure I'm up on time for therapy. In my world, 8 am is an ungodly hour to have to be anywhere, but if my therapist is willing to wake up to see me, surely I can manage to do the same.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Tummy Awareness
Yoga: 20 minute DVD
Other: Therapy
Bloating: 6
Cramping: 4
BM satisfaction: 4 (went 3 times today, kind of loose and yucky)
Paying careful attention to my gut today, I saw how tense it feels throughout my workday, regardless of whether I feel all that "stressed". I used to think this was just the difference of feeling "on", like how I am at work, and feeling relaxed, like when I am watching TV. A difference that everyone feels, right? My therapist agrees with me but says that for me it's a matter of turning down the "on" volume.
My stomach is just tense all day. I mean, even before I went to work, it was tense from the spasm of having had a bowel movement. So it's tight from the getgo. But I think the way that I am being throughout the day is making it worse. At work I feel a bit like I am about to go onstage - so much anxiety about my job performance, guilt about how much I slack at work, and worry about how others there perceive me and my body.
I recently took a 3 month leave from work during which I went to an ED treatment day program and lived with relatives in a different city. It was a very peaceful and possibly the most joyful period for me in the last several years. I loved being in the program - I felt relaxed there, and appreciated, and that I had something to offer. Feelings I don't really have at work. So it's been instructive for me to see the difference between how I felt physically then versus now. My gut wasn't perfect there, I remember the bloating, but it felt at ease during the day. I knew what I had to do - drive to the center, eat my meals, participate in group therapy, drive home, eat dinner with aunt and uncle, walk dog, go to bed - and I could do it. My days felt effective. And calm.
One of things that makes me tense and anxious at work is seeing my reflection in the mirrored elevator several times a day. And just feeling monstrous and jiggling as I teeter down the hallway in my impractical wedge mules, my ample chest practically at risk of tipping me over. And wondering what people are thinking of me as I undulate past their offices, such a different figure than the sylph who left them 3 months ago. Body image is, as they say, the last thing to do with an eating disorder, so I think it'll be a while yet before I feel anywhere near okay. I still run through body-makeover fantasies in my head, where I get lean and toned through hours of yoga and quit my job for some amazing new gig, with everyone saying, "Wow, I guess she really is destined for bigger things - and have you noticed how amazing she is looking?"
My therapist wants to put me on Effexor for the anxiety (which may assist with the IBS). Of course I googled it - one of my issues is an obsessive tendency to internet-search the shit out of everything in attempt to find the "answer" - the truth about a certain food or supplement or drug for IBS. Good or bad? Works or doesn't? And I get a bit of a high out of that search process - it kind of calms me down, makes me feel I am getting somewhere and not just spinning like a rat in a wheel.
Predictably, I found that Effexor is either the greatest invention ever or the work of the devil. That's the thing about drugs - and about IBS - it's all so unique to each person. And the internet provides a platform for every point on the spectrum. I will give it a try at a low dose. I am just praying that I don't have to face the two side effects I fear most - digestive issues and weight gain. I'll take dry mouth and vivid dreams any day!
Yoga: I only did a 20-minute DVD. These really don't feel like a whole lot. And my mind was going the whole time - about other stuff, and about my-body-can't-do-anything-how-did-I-let-this-happen stuff. I have my work cut out for me - not just in terms of my forward bends - but also, and more importantly - in terms of quieting that inner voice while I'm practicing. That, at the heart of it, is doing yoga. Being in the moment and in my body - not judging, not criticzing. Just accepting. Just being.
Other: Therapy
Bloating: 6
Cramping: 4
BM satisfaction: 4 (went 3 times today, kind of loose and yucky)
Paying careful attention to my gut today, I saw how tense it feels throughout my workday, regardless of whether I feel all that "stressed". I used to think this was just the difference of feeling "on", like how I am at work, and feeling relaxed, like when I am watching TV. A difference that everyone feels, right? My therapist agrees with me but says that for me it's a matter of turning down the "on" volume.
My stomach is just tense all day. I mean, even before I went to work, it was tense from the spasm of having had a bowel movement. So it's tight from the getgo. But I think the way that I am being throughout the day is making it worse. At work I feel a bit like I am about to go onstage - so much anxiety about my job performance, guilt about how much I slack at work, and worry about how others there perceive me and my body.
I recently took a 3 month leave from work during which I went to an ED treatment day program and lived with relatives in a different city. It was a very peaceful and possibly the most joyful period for me in the last several years. I loved being in the program - I felt relaxed there, and appreciated, and that I had something to offer. Feelings I don't really have at work. So it's been instructive for me to see the difference between how I felt physically then versus now. My gut wasn't perfect there, I remember the bloating, but it felt at ease during the day. I knew what I had to do - drive to the center, eat my meals, participate in group therapy, drive home, eat dinner with aunt and uncle, walk dog, go to bed - and I could do it. My days felt effective. And calm.
One of things that makes me tense and anxious at work is seeing my reflection in the mirrored elevator several times a day. And just feeling monstrous and jiggling as I teeter down the hallway in my impractical wedge mules, my ample chest practically at risk of tipping me over. And wondering what people are thinking of me as I undulate past their offices, such a different figure than the sylph who left them 3 months ago. Body image is, as they say, the last thing to do with an eating disorder, so I think it'll be a while yet before I feel anywhere near okay. I still run through body-makeover fantasies in my head, where I get lean and toned through hours of yoga and quit my job for some amazing new gig, with everyone saying, "Wow, I guess she really is destined for bigger things - and have you noticed how amazing she is looking?"
My therapist wants to put me on Effexor for the anxiety (which may assist with the IBS). Of course I googled it - one of my issues is an obsessive tendency to internet-search the shit out of everything in attempt to find the "answer" - the truth about a certain food or supplement or drug for IBS. Good or bad? Works or doesn't? And I get a bit of a high out of that search process - it kind of calms me down, makes me feel I am getting somewhere and not just spinning like a rat in a wheel.
Predictably, I found that Effexor is either the greatest invention ever or the work of the devil. That's the thing about drugs - and about IBS - it's all so unique to each person. And the internet provides a platform for every point on the spectrum. I will give it a try at a low dose. I am just praying that I don't have to face the two side effects I fear most - digestive issues and weight gain. I'll take dry mouth and vivid dreams any day!
Yoga: I only did a 20-minute DVD. These really don't feel like a whole lot. And my mind was going the whole time - about other stuff, and about my-body-can't-do-anything-how-did-I-let-this-happen stuff. I have my work cut out for me - not just in terms of my forward bends - but also, and more importantly - in terms of quieting that inner voice while I'm practicing. That, at the heart of it, is doing yoga. Being in the moment and in my body - not judging, not criticzing. Just accepting. Just being.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Therapy and Yoga
Yoga: 20 minute Rodney Yee DVD in evening
Other: Therapy
Bloating: 7 (10 being worst) Lots of bloating but not too painful. Just unattractive!
Cramping: 6 (10 being worst) Cramping after BM but subsided in a couple of hours
BM satisfaction: 6 (incomplete evacuation)
I had been thinking last week that perhaps the therapy I am doing (psychodynamic psychotherapy with a psychiatrist 4 times a week) is "bad" for me, in that it stirs up all my anxiety and sadness and fear and regret and anger, and my stomach gets all tight, and then... time's up. And I leave the office feeling pretty shitty, gut-wise.
I have also been thinking that Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) might be more helpful in treating my anxiety, IBS and eating disorder in a more directed, focussed way. It's about reframing your cognitive beliefs and redirecting your behaviour. Very goal-oriented.
So I raised this with my therapist today - although we've been dancing around this topic for a couple of weeks now. She thinks that yes, during the sessions I am feeling anxiety, but I'd be feeling this anxiety even without therapy, and that I am feeling it when I am not in session with her. This is true. She says the session merely brings it to the surface. She agrees that CBT would be helpful but it's a typically a short-term set of sessions, like 14 weeks, and after that I am going to continue to need support. She thinks I should find a CBT program to do in conjunction with seeing her. And she commended me on my new commitment to yoga - we discussed doing the yoga when I get home after my therapy sessions to help unwined the knot in my stomach.
Which is what I did this evening. I felt pretty drained after a cry-fest in therapy, so when I got home at 6:45 I just did a quick 20-minute session. It's from a DVD of Rodney Yee's called AM Yoga, consisting of five 20-minute sesssions, so there's a different one each weekday. It's nice, but after the intense ashtanga classes I've been doing, it feels like I didn't do anything. I bought a longer Yee DVD of power yoga - so I'm thinking I should do the 20 minutes every morning, then an additional longer DVD a few evenings per week. And studio classes on the weekends.
I kind of lashed out on someone else's blog today. It's an ED recovery blog that I think is pretty brilliant - http://ed-bites.blogspot.com/. The author, Carrie Arnold, was discussing her difficulty in feeding herself when her parents are away. And I got all bitchy on her - saying she should consider herself lucky that her only barriers to eating are mental ones. That I would give anything not to feel like shit all the time and worried every time I put something in my mouth whether it's gonna cause bloating, cramping, diarrhea or constipation.
I was speaking out of the frustration that wells up in me - when I feel it's impossible to fully recover from an ED when you have IBS. However, I realize that for Carrie, the ED is serious and difficult and painful. It's probably insensitive for me to imply she shouldn't complain because my circumstances are more complicated. That's as good as telling her she should be grateful to eat because there are children starving in Africa. Or Pakistan, as it is lately. I wouldn't be suprised if she took offense.
But perhaps it managed to shift her focus, if even a little bit, if only for a moment. Sometimes when I walk down the street I pass by people with serious deformities, in wheelchairs, etc. and it temporarily jogs me out of my own intense body loathing. Sometimes a little perspective can be a good thing.
Other: Therapy
Bloating: 7 (10 being worst) Lots of bloating but not too painful. Just unattractive!
Cramping: 6 (10 being worst) Cramping after BM but subsided in a couple of hours
BM satisfaction: 6 (incomplete evacuation)
I had been thinking last week that perhaps the therapy I am doing (psychodynamic psychotherapy with a psychiatrist 4 times a week) is "bad" for me, in that it stirs up all my anxiety and sadness and fear and regret and anger, and my stomach gets all tight, and then... time's up. And I leave the office feeling pretty shitty, gut-wise.
I have also been thinking that Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) might be more helpful in treating my anxiety, IBS and eating disorder in a more directed, focussed way. It's about reframing your cognitive beliefs and redirecting your behaviour. Very goal-oriented.
So I raised this with my therapist today - although we've been dancing around this topic for a couple of weeks now. She thinks that yes, during the sessions I am feeling anxiety, but I'd be feeling this anxiety even without therapy, and that I am feeling it when I am not in session with her. This is true. She says the session merely brings it to the surface. She agrees that CBT would be helpful but it's a typically a short-term set of sessions, like 14 weeks, and after that I am going to continue to need support. She thinks I should find a CBT program to do in conjunction with seeing her. And she commended me on my new commitment to yoga - we discussed doing the yoga when I get home after my therapy sessions to help unwined the knot in my stomach.
Which is what I did this evening. I felt pretty drained after a cry-fest in therapy, so when I got home at 6:45 I just did a quick 20-minute session. It's from a DVD of Rodney Yee's called AM Yoga, consisting of five 20-minute sesssions, so there's a different one each weekday. It's nice, but after the intense ashtanga classes I've been doing, it feels like I didn't do anything. I bought a longer Yee DVD of power yoga - so I'm thinking I should do the 20 minutes every morning, then an additional longer DVD a few evenings per week. And studio classes on the weekends.
I kind of lashed out on someone else's blog today. It's an ED recovery blog that I think is pretty brilliant - http://ed-bites.blogspot.com/. The author, Carrie Arnold, was discussing her difficulty in feeding herself when her parents are away. And I got all bitchy on her - saying she should consider herself lucky that her only barriers to eating are mental ones. That I would give anything not to feel like shit all the time and worried every time I put something in my mouth whether it's gonna cause bloating, cramping, diarrhea or constipation.
I was speaking out of the frustration that wells up in me - when I feel it's impossible to fully recover from an ED when you have IBS. However, I realize that for Carrie, the ED is serious and difficult and painful. It's probably insensitive for me to imply she shouldn't complain because my circumstances are more complicated. That's as good as telling her she should be grateful to eat because there are children starving in Africa. Or Pakistan, as it is lately. I wouldn't be suprised if she took offense.
But perhaps it managed to shift her focus, if even a little bit, if only for a moment. Sometimes when I walk down the street I pass by people with serious deformities, in wheelchairs, etc. and it temporarily jogs me out of my own intense body loathing. Sometimes a little perspective can be a good thing.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Day 2
Yoga: 90 minute ashtanga class
Other relaxation: 30 minute hypnotherapy CD
Bloating: 8
Cramping: 7
Constipation: 0
Diarrhea: 2
Today started okay but got progressively worse. I haven't yet figured out if there is any purpose in documenting the blow by blow of symptoms here. Indeed I am rethinking this whole blog. I want to write about health and IBS and eating disorders but I haven't really figured out a structure that would be useful to me and, ideally, engaging to anyone who happened to stumble upon this little corner of the internet universe.
To make a long story short, by the time I got to yoga at 5:30 I was full of swallowed gas - sometimes when I am crampy and then have a long conversation with someone (I had a couple of long phone calls in the afternoon), I can feel myself gulping air. I can't explain it better than that. Just one of the results when things feel out of sorts inside.
I felt a bit better after yoga but none of the air has passed through me. So now it's after dinner and I am quite uncomfortably bloated. My only salvation at this point is that I can take a sleeping pill to go to sleep. I would very much like not to be reliant on these, but the discomfort and pain of bloating keeps me up at night.
But back to the yoga. I am going to a fairly hard-core studio and so I am continually impressed by the ability in my fellow students. It makes me excited to think that if I just keep it up, I could become as good as they are. The girl on the mat next to mine was particularly inspiring becuase she has a figure a lot like mine - petite but very round and curvy. I find that the image of the yogi is often - like with everything else - skewed towards a skinnier type, so it's helpful for me to see you don't need to be a string bean to achieve grace and agility at it.
And my chatturangas need serious work!
Other relaxation: 30 minute hypnotherapy CD
Bloating: 8
Cramping: 7
Constipation: 0
Diarrhea: 2
Today started okay but got progressively worse. I haven't yet figured out if there is any purpose in documenting the blow by blow of symptoms here. Indeed I am rethinking this whole blog. I want to write about health and IBS and eating disorders but I haven't really figured out a structure that would be useful to me and, ideally, engaging to anyone who happened to stumble upon this little corner of the internet universe.
To make a long story short, by the time I got to yoga at 5:30 I was full of swallowed gas - sometimes when I am crampy and then have a long conversation with someone (I had a couple of long phone calls in the afternoon), I can feel myself gulping air. I can't explain it better than that. Just one of the results when things feel out of sorts inside.
I felt a bit better after yoga but none of the air has passed through me. So now it's after dinner and I am quite uncomfortably bloated. My only salvation at this point is that I can take a sleeping pill to go to sleep. I would very much like not to be reliant on these, but the discomfort and pain of bloating keeps me up at night.
But back to the yoga. I am going to a fairly hard-core studio and so I am continually impressed by the ability in my fellow students. It makes me excited to think that if I just keep it up, I could become as good as they are. The girl on the mat next to mine was particularly inspiring becuase she has a figure a lot like mine - petite but very round and curvy. I find that the image of the yogi is often - like with everything else - skewed towards a skinnier type, so it's helpful for me to see you don't need to be a string bean to achieve grace and agility at it.
And my chatturangas need serious work!
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Day 1
Yoga: 90 minute ashtanga class
Bloating: 6
Cramping: 4
Constipation: 7
Diarrhea: 0
Woke up feeling still full of gas from the night before. I only woke up at 10 and yoga class is at 11, so I ate my breakfast a little too fast so that it'd have time to digest before class. Ideally I wouldn't eat in the hour before class - I think they recommend two hours but I eat too frequently for this to be always possible. So when I left for class I was feeling even more bloated and uncomfortable.
Class was hard - I could tell that I hadn't been in a week. I was also feeling self-conscious about my body. Not only was I bloated but when I regained weight from my eating disorder treatment, it all tended to lodge in my midsection. I have researched this phenomenon, apparently it's common and the fat should redistribute over time - but it can take up to a year. Which right now feels like an eternity. So in the meantime I'm just struggling with the feeling of having no waist which gives me a rather squat appearance.
But I digress. Yoga - hard but good. Mind was very busy comparing my body to others in the room. And I was doing a fair bit of "mind-reading" of the teacher - he is a famous yogi in these parts and I kept thinking, when he looked over at me, he was thinking "she is not good enough to take my classs". Oh the lovely places the mind goes!
In the afternoon I went to an acupuncture/shiatsu treatment to further help relax. I have a few sessions covered by my health plan so I figure I may as well use them up. I have done acupuncture for IBS many times before, to be honest I really can't say I noticed a big difference, but I do know that I feel more relaxed during and after treatment. So if everyone is right and stress is in fact aggravating my symptoms, then it only makes sense to hit it with as many forms of relaxation as I can.
Did groceries, made a nice dinner, now curling up with a DVD. I'm in less discomfort this evening than I have been in probably a week. Let's hope it keeps up!
Bloating: 6
Cramping: 4
Constipation: 7
Diarrhea: 0
Woke up feeling still full of gas from the night before. I only woke up at 10 and yoga class is at 11, so I ate my breakfast a little too fast so that it'd have time to digest before class. Ideally I wouldn't eat in the hour before class - I think they recommend two hours but I eat too frequently for this to be always possible. So when I left for class I was feeling even more bloated and uncomfortable.
Class was hard - I could tell that I hadn't been in a week. I was also feeling self-conscious about my body. Not only was I bloated but when I regained weight from my eating disorder treatment, it all tended to lodge in my midsection. I have researched this phenomenon, apparently it's common and the fat should redistribute over time - but it can take up to a year. Which right now feels like an eternity. So in the meantime I'm just struggling with the feeling of having no waist which gives me a rather squat appearance.
But I digress. Yoga - hard but good. Mind was very busy comparing my body to others in the room. And I was doing a fair bit of "mind-reading" of the teacher - he is a famous yogi in these parts and I kept thinking, when he looked over at me, he was thinking "she is not good enough to take my classs". Oh the lovely places the mind goes!
In the afternoon I went to an acupuncture/shiatsu treatment to further help relax. I have a few sessions covered by my health plan so I figure I may as well use them up. I have done acupuncture for IBS many times before, to be honest I really can't say I noticed a big difference, but I do know that I feel more relaxed during and after treatment. So if everyone is right and stress is in fact aggravating my symptoms, then it only makes sense to hit it with as many forms of relaxation as I can.
Did groceries, made a nice dinner, now curling up with a DVD. I'm in less discomfort this evening than I have been in probably a week. Let's hope it keeps up!
Friday, August 13, 2010
My 30-Day Kicking-IBS's-Ass Yoga Challenge
Hello and welcome to my blog!
Okay, here is the deal. I have struggled with IBS for a little over a decade. Like you, I have tried it all - diets, meds, supplements, hypnotherapy, a host of alternative "remedies" and a billion kinds of fibre (yes I am Canadian and that is how we spell it!) I have found certain little things that help or hurt, however I've never come to a point where I felt I was managing this illness. I have been told repeatedly that stress reduction is imperative to keeping my symptoms at bay. But I always had a hard time drawing a cause-and-effect line between stress and my gut. I suspect this is because I was always stressed - feeling like you are being tortured inside is kind of stressful! So anxiety, sadness, frustration and fear were just the normal course for me. It's only recently that I have really started to acknowledge that the way that I am BEING - the way my mind ties itself into knots about this, and indeed about all of life's stressors - is making me sick. Or at the very least, is not giving me an optimal chance of getting a hold on this illness.
I have practised yoga and meditation in the past, but never with sufficient regularly or in combination with an adequate diet to support my digestion (I was basically not eating enough for most of my adult life, which I'll go into a bit below). So my intention is to practice yoga every day for the next month and to blog about my journey. Ideally this will stretch beyond 30 days into a lifelong practice - but one thing at a time, okay?
My plan: Two ashtanga yoga classes a week, plus self-practice at home with DVDs on my days away from the studio. I'd like to do more classes but this yogi is on a budget. Ashtanga is a pretty intense form of yoga - the flow from one pose to another builds heat in the body which helps lubricate joints and muscles. I sweat a lot in class. Okay, so it's summer and my studio doesn't use air conditioning, but all the same, I do find that it's an incredible workout. My sister is a yogi and has been encouraging me to get into more, not just for my IBS but also to support my recovery from an eating disorder.
Oh, did I not mention that part? Okay I guess that warrants some explaining. I have also struggled with eating issues since I was a teenager, and in fact my digestive problems began soon after I became anorexic at 19. In my early 20s, I sought therapy, regained weight and attempted to return to "normal" eating, but found it challenging since it caused so much discomfort. The bloating often kept me up the entire night. My doctors at the time were unhelpful, so I sought advice from alternative practitioners who unfortunately endorsed a pretty restrictive approach. I was advised to cut out, oh, you know, just a few of the major food groups. I am sure these types of diets work for some people, but as a recovering anorexic it was not the advice I needed to hear. So the anorexia developed a second layer of orthorexia - obsession with healthy eating. And to cope with my symptoms, and also as reaction to this restrictive and obsessive undereating, I also developed bulimia. I was just a big, ugly mess of dysfunction. On the outside, I was admired for my pious diet of oatmeal, flaxseed, fish, quinoa and steamed greens, but inside I was starving, binging, purging, and in tons and tons of pain. I was also, for a large part of this period, using alcohol to ease the spasms in my bowel, relieve the trapped gas and get myself to sleep. The drinking only increased my propensity to binge and purge, and of course alcohol itself is not easy on the gut.
Fast forward to this winter: my digestive symptoms had worsened to the point that I was no longer bulimic - I was in WAY too much pain to subject my system to further assault. I was also not drinking anymore - a doctor had finally prescribed me a sleeping pill so I didn't need to knock myself out with wine. I was eating my uber-healthy diet, seeing a osteopath, a naturopath, journalling and taking Bach Flower Remedies (don't ask) - and I was in monstrous amounts of discomfort. I was terrified - here I was doing everything right, and yet I was getting sicker. And thinner. The fact is, I wasn't doing everything right: I wasn't eating nearly enough. It took a particularly concerned therapist to make me realize I needed to gain, like, a shitload of weight, and that it didn't seem I was gonna be able to do so alone.
So I took a leave of absence from work, flew to another city and checked into an eating disorder facility. I also saw a gastroenterologist while I was there - my 5th, at this point. He ordered a Sitz marker test and a defagram (which is not like a candygram). And concluded the same thing that all the others had: it was IBS and I should work on reducing stress. Right. The staff at the eating disorder treatment center said my symptoms were typical of their clients - anorexia starves the organs and causes a myriad of problems including digestive woes. They were confident that my symptoms would improve as I regained weight and as my system got accustomed to handling that strange and unfamiliar entity known as a square meal.
And they were right. I ate more, I gained weight, and I did feel quite a lot better. But I'm not 100% - I still have IBS. And now that I am back home, back at work and back in my "real" life, I am finding the anxiety creeping in again. And this past week my IBS got a lot worse. Since I'm eating exactly the same as I was in treatment - a balanced meal plan that incorporates all of the food groups - I am being confonted, again, with the idea that I need to be doing more. Eating well is a piece of it, but I need to work on releasing tension and connecting with my body - and my life - in a more positive and relaxed way.
I won't go into a huge dissertation here on the touted benefits of yoga, but my goal is to not just reap the physical benefits of the asanas, but to also take the lessons of yoga - such as patience, acceptance, forgiveness of the limits of our bodies, while continuing to try to extend those limits - to my life off the mat. I want to approach the rest of my life not with my typical worry and tension, rigidity and intolerance, but with opennes, calm and flexibility. We're talking a major existence overhaul here.
As for the eating disorder, let's not mince words: this is a mental illness, and I am not yet rid of it. I am now maintaining a healthy weight and seeking ongoing support. I am hoping that yoga will help rebuild the muscle mass that I lost while my body was essentially feasting off itself. But I also realize that obsessive exercise can be yet another manifestation of this pernicious disease. I do think that yoga is qualitatively different from say, jumping on the treadmill and not getting off until the "calories burned" hits the magic number you've set in your head. At least, I am hoping it can be so for me. When I consider the possible benefits, I suppose I think that I am better off doing a lot of yoga to help my mind and body than not doing it for fear of being obsessive. You might disagree with me. I have certainly been wrong before!
So here goes. Wish me luck. Tomorrow is a 10 am class with one of my fave teachers at the studio. Okay, I'll admit it, I have a bit of a crush. So I suppose I should get in my beauty sleep. Night, all!
Okay, here is the deal. I have struggled with IBS for a little over a decade. Like you, I have tried it all - diets, meds, supplements, hypnotherapy, a host of alternative "remedies" and a billion kinds of fibre (yes I am Canadian and that is how we spell it!) I have found certain little things that help or hurt, however I've never come to a point where I felt I was managing this illness. I have been told repeatedly that stress reduction is imperative to keeping my symptoms at bay. But I always had a hard time drawing a cause-and-effect line between stress and my gut. I suspect this is because I was always stressed - feeling like you are being tortured inside is kind of stressful! So anxiety, sadness, frustration and fear were just the normal course for me. It's only recently that I have really started to acknowledge that the way that I am BEING - the way my mind ties itself into knots about this, and indeed about all of life's stressors - is making me sick. Or at the very least, is not giving me an optimal chance of getting a hold on this illness.
I have practised yoga and meditation in the past, but never with sufficient regularly or in combination with an adequate diet to support my digestion (I was basically not eating enough for most of my adult life, which I'll go into a bit below). So my intention is to practice yoga every day for the next month and to blog about my journey. Ideally this will stretch beyond 30 days into a lifelong practice - but one thing at a time, okay?
My plan: Two ashtanga yoga classes a week, plus self-practice at home with DVDs on my days away from the studio. I'd like to do more classes but this yogi is on a budget. Ashtanga is a pretty intense form of yoga - the flow from one pose to another builds heat in the body which helps lubricate joints and muscles. I sweat a lot in class. Okay, so it's summer and my studio doesn't use air conditioning, but all the same, I do find that it's an incredible workout. My sister is a yogi and has been encouraging me to get into more, not just for my IBS but also to support my recovery from an eating disorder.
Oh, did I not mention that part? Okay I guess that warrants some explaining. I have also struggled with eating issues since I was a teenager, and in fact my digestive problems began soon after I became anorexic at 19. In my early 20s, I sought therapy, regained weight and attempted to return to "normal" eating, but found it challenging since it caused so much discomfort. The bloating often kept me up the entire night. My doctors at the time were unhelpful, so I sought advice from alternative practitioners who unfortunately endorsed a pretty restrictive approach. I was advised to cut out, oh, you know, just a few of the major food groups. I am sure these types of diets work for some people, but as a recovering anorexic it was not the advice I needed to hear. So the anorexia developed a second layer of orthorexia - obsession with healthy eating. And to cope with my symptoms, and also as reaction to this restrictive and obsessive undereating, I also developed bulimia. I was just a big, ugly mess of dysfunction. On the outside, I was admired for my pious diet of oatmeal, flaxseed, fish, quinoa and steamed greens, but inside I was starving, binging, purging, and in tons and tons of pain. I was also, for a large part of this period, using alcohol to ease the spasms in my bowel, relieve the trapped gas and get myself to sleep. The drinking only increased my propensity to binge and purge, and of course alcohol itself is not easy on the gut.
Fast forward to this winter: my digestive symptoms had worsened to the point that I was no longer bulimic - I was in WAY too much pain to subject my system to further assault. I was also not drinking anymore - a doctor had finally prescribed me a sleeping pill so I didn't need to knock myself out with wine. I was eating my uber-healthy diet, seeing a osteopath, a naturopath, journalling and taking Bach Flower Remedies (don't ask) - and I was in monstrous amounts of discomfort. I was terrified - here I was doing everything right, and yet I was getting sicker. And thinner. The fact is, I wasn't doing everything right: I wasn't eating nearly enough. It took a particularly concerned therapist to make me realize I needed to gain, like, a shitload of weight, and that it didn't seem I was gonna be able to do so alone.
So I took a leave of absence from work, flew to another city and checked into an eating disorder facility. I also saw a gastroenterologist while I was there - my 5th, at this point. He ordered a Sitz marker test and a defagram (which is not like a candygram). And concluded the same thing that all the others had: it was IBS and I should work on reducing stress. Right. The staff at the eating disorder treatment center said my symptoms were typical of their clients - anorexia starves the organs and causes a myriad of problems including digestive woes. They were confident that my symptoms would improve as I regained weight and as my system got accustomed to handling that strange and unfamiliar entity known as a square meal.
And they were right. I ate more, I gained weight, and I did feel quite a lot better. But I'm not 100% - I still have IBS. And now that I am back home, back at work and back in my "real" life, I am finding the anxiety creeping in again. And this past week my IBS got a lot worse. Since I'm eating exactly the same as I was in treatment - a balanced meal plan that incorporates all of the food groups - I am being confonted, again, with the idea that I need to be doing more. Eating well is a piece of it, but I need to work on releasing tension and connecting with my body - and my life - in a more positive and relaxed way.
I won't go into a huge dissertation here on the touted benefits of yoga, but my goal is to not just reap the physical benefits of the asanas, but to also take the lessons of yoga - such as patience, acceptance, forgiveness of the limits of our bodies, while continuing to try to extend those limits - to my life off the mat. I want to approach the rest of my life not with my typical worry and tension, rigidity and intolerance, but with opennes, calm and flexibility. We're talking a major existence overhaul here.
As for the eating disorder, let's not mince words: this is a mental illness, and I am not yet rid of it. I am now maintaining a healthy weight and seeking ongoing support. I am hoping that yoga will help rebuild the muscle mass that I lost while my body was essentially feasting off itself. But I also realize that obsessive exercise can be yet another manifestation of this pernicious disease. I do think that yoga is qualitatively different from say, jumping on the treadmill and not getting off until the "calories burned" hits the magic number you've set in your head. At least, I am hoping it can be so for me. When I consider the possible benefits, I suppose I think that I am better off doing a lot of yoga to help my mind and body than not doing it for fear of being obsessive. You might disagree with me. I have certainly been wrong before!
So here goes. Wish me luck. Tomorrow is a 10 am class with one of my fave teachers at the studio. Okay, I'll admit it, I have a bit of a crush. So I suppose I should get in my beauty sleep. Night, all!
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