To Market, To Market

Yoga:  60-minute Rodney Yee Slow Burn DVD
Other:  not therapy... I overslept!
Bloating:  6
Cramping:  4
BM Satisfaction:  4  (incomplete, no strong urge)

Day started poorly - well, actually it started with a GREAT dream.  But then I awoke, stared at my watch and blinked several times, not believing that I had slept til 8:20.  My therapy starts at 8.   Darn.    

As I rushed around getting ready for work at 9, I made the mistake (overstatement of my life) of getting on the scale.   When am I going to learn?   It was about 1.5 lbs heavier than what I consider my "top" weight right now.  My hair was wet, and I found myself wondering if there could possibly be 2 pounds of water clinging to my (very short, fine) hair.   Not bloody likely.    Serves me right for getting on the scale.  

I am still unsure whether I should be cool with weight gain because I need to be gaining, or whether it's a sign that I should reduce my meal plan.  To be honest I don't really want to reduce it, I don't feel I'm eating a ton and have become quite comfortable and satisfied on my current intake.    I know that I'm still a relatively low weight - BMI of just under 21, and anorexic women's periods often only come back in BMI of 22 or higher.   Still, the way it's come back on my body - you wouldn't call me slender.   Very, very round.     Not a lot of muscle, but rather boobs and rolls and jiggle and even - gasp - cellulite.   The idea of gaining more is still terrifying right now.   I want a chance to build back some more muscle before considering putting on more fat.  Although something tells me I may not have much say in the matter - my body seems to be acting of its own accord these days.  I was ready to stop gaining 5 pounds ago.     

I saw my GP today to discuss getting a referral to a CBT program and to get a prescription for Effexor as per my therapist's recommendation.    We are also going to start tapering the zopiclone I've been reliant on for sleep, since the trapped gas and cramping keep me awake.  But I've been on zopiclone for a while now and it is addictive, so the plan is to double the amitryptiline I'm taking at night, take the Effexor in the morning, and ditch the zopiclone altogether.  

I actually arrived at my GP's a half-hour early (I am never, ever early.  I had put in in my calendar at the wrong time).  So I thought I'd try to grab lunch while I waited.  I wandered through the local market, a great big barn-like structure full of deli counters and fresh produce and such.    But the sandwiches I saw people buying all looked "too big" and doughy and fatty, and I was thinking of the number on the scale and of my slightly off tummuy and of the fact that I already felt I looked bloated in my skirt, and I just didn't want to risk it.   So I waited until I returned to the office and ate the lunch I'd packed.   That's the thing with IBS, it's like a cold shower on the risk-taking touted as integral to getting over an eating disorder.  If you manage to get over the calorie fears, there is still the concern about feeling worse after you eat X or Y.  And it's not a unfounded concern, either - the richer the foods I eat, the more bloated I get and the worse my cramping is the next day.

I tried a new yoga DVD tonight, Rodney Yee's Slow Burn.   It's rather tai-chi like in that the movements are done very slowly, very controlled, one flowing into the next, which he says encourages more mindfulness and strengthens the muscles.   I liked it.   Sadly, I clearly did something wrong along the way because I now have a painful twinge in my lower back/butt area.    

The IBS today wasn't too bad but I just felt a bit yucky inside all day.    Going to bed early tonight and double-checking my alarm to make sure I'm up on time for therapy.  In my world, 8 am is an ungodly hour to have to be anywhere, but if my therapist is willing to wake up to see me, surely I can manage to do the same.