Tummy Awareness

Yoga: 20 minute DVD
Other: Therapy
Bloating: 6
Cramping: 4
BM satisfaction: 4 (went 3 times today, kind of loose and yucky)

Paying careful attention to my gut today, I saw how tense it feels throughout my workday, regardless of whether I feel all that "stressed".  I used to think this was just the difference of feeling "on", like how I am at work, and feeling relaxed, like when I am watching TV.   A difference that everyone feels, right?   My therapist agrees with me but says that for me it's a matter of turning down the "on" volume. 

My stomach is just tense all day.   I mean, even before I went to work, it was tense from the spasm of having had a bowel movement.   So it's tight from the getgo.  But I think the way that I am being throughout the day is making it worse.   At work I feel a bit like I am about to go onstage - so much anxiety about my job performance, guilt about how much I slack at work, and worry about how others there perceive me and my body.   

I recently took a 3 month leave from work during which I went to an ED treatment day program and lived with relatives in a different city.  It was a very peaceful and possibly the most joyful period for me in the last several years.  I loved being in the program - I felt relaxed there, and appreciated, and that I had something to offer.   Feelings I don't really have at work.   So it's been instructive for me to see the difference between how I felt physically then versus now.   My gut wasn't perfect there, I remember the bloating, but it felt at ease during the day.  I knew what I had to do - drive to the center, eat my meals, participate in group therapy, drive home, eat dinner with aunt and uncle, walk dog, go to bed - and I could do it.   My days felt effective.   And calm.

One of things that makes me tense and anxious at work is seeing my reflection in the mirrored elevator several times a day.  And just feeling monstrous and jiggling as I teeter down the hallway in my impractical wedge mules, my ample chest practically at risk of tipping me over.    And wondering what people are thinking of me as I undulate past their offices, such a different figure than the sylph who left them 3 months ago.  Body image is, as they say, the last thing to do with an eating disorder, so I think it'll be a while yet before I feel anywhere near okay.  I still run through body-makeover fantasies in my head, where I get lean and toned through hours of yoga and quit my job for some amazing new gig, with everyone saying, "Wow, I guess she really is destined for bigger things - and have you noticed how amazing she is looking?"

My therapist wants to put me on Effexor for the anxiety (which may assist with the IBS).   Of course I googled it - one of my issues is an obsessive tendency to internet-search the shit out of everything in attempt to find the "answer" - the truth about a certain food or supplement or drug for IBS.    Good or bad?  Works or doesn't?     And I get a bit of a high out of that search process - it kind of calms me down, makes me feel I am getting somewhere and not just spinning like a rat in a wheel.  

Predictably, I found that Effexor is either the greatest invention ever or the work of the devil.  That's the thing about drugs - and about IBS - it's all so unique to each person.   And the internet provides a platform for every point on the spectrum.   I will give it a try at a low dose.   I am just praying that I don't have to face the two side effects I fear most - digestive issues and weight gain.    I'll take dry mouth and vivid dreams any day!

Yoga: I only did a 20-minute DVD.  These really don't feel like a whole lot.    And my mind was going the whole time - about other stuff, and about my-body-can't-do-anything-how-did-I-let-this-happen stuff.   I have my work cut out for me - not just in terms of my forward bends - but also, and more importantly -  in terms of quieting that inner voice while I'm practicing.  That, at the heart of it, is doing yoga.   Being in the moment and in my body - not judging, not criticzing.   Just accepting.  Just being.