Suppository Hell

Yoga:  20-minute Rodney Yee DVD
Other: Therapy
Bloating:  6
Cramping:  9
BM Satisfaction:  1

I had been taking Effexor for the past few days - I've decided to discontinue taking it because I am anxious about the side effects I've read about, and it seems counterproductive to be anxious about my anti-anxiety med.   Anyway, the drug made me super constipated - if I don't go every day, it's very painful for me.  So by this morning, after a night of restless, pain-tinged sleep, I threw in the towel and used a glycerin suppository.   I haven't used one in months, and now I remember why!   My bowel goes into the strongest spasm afterwards, just burning pain all day long.  Ugh.   Constipation is by far the lesser of the two evils.   I promised my therapist I would throw out the suppositories once and for all.     My colon spasms up just from "going" the regular way, so the last thing it needs is further provocation.  For the constipation, I am going to up my Natural Calm (magnesium supplement) tonight, drink some pear juice and hope for the best tomorrow morning.

I was pretty bored at work today, and when I have time to kill, my mind tends to go to unproductive places.   Today I was watching videos on YouTube about the raw food diet and its loyal adherents.  It is still  hard for me to watch this stuff without wondering if I could have better digestion with a different diet.  Right now I'm eating a pretty standard diet - healthy, but "normal".   Whole grains, lean proteins, dairy, fruit and veg.   But for years I kept up a pretty stringent regime - no gluten, dairy, etc etc... but sometimes I wonder, did I not do enough?   Was I eating too much sugar?  Would juicing have made a difference? 

Yesterday I bought some digestive enzymes and the health food store guy advised me to eat only warm foods.   An acupuncturist I saw last month told me the same thing.   I am not eating only warm foods.   But I was, back last winter - and I was sicker than I'd ever been.   So I am trying to take these people's advice with a grain of salt (or kelp-based salt substitute, in their world).   It would be easier to do so if I had anyting ressembling a normally functioning bowel.  And if I wasn't prone to the obsessive thinking that contributed to my eating disorder.   

That's the thing - my mind will always search ways to perfect my body, my diet, my bowel movements - I want perfection in all these things and I must work on acceptance.  That perhaps there is no "perfect" diet for my bowel, it's going to be spastic and wierd no matter what.

But I'm not sure. I'm just not sure.