Yoga: 20-minute DVD
Bloating: 7 (looked bad but not painful)
Cramping: 6
BM Satisfaction: 6 (went twice, morning was good but evening left me crampy)
I am not sure I am going to keep up the format of this blog - the daily symptom and yoga log. Seems kind of repetitive and probably not useful for anyone except for me.
Sunday started rough. As I wrote on Saturday, I had been concerned about the fact that I was going to a family bbq, the timing of which cut into my go-to-the-bathroom schedule. So on Sunday I tried to go beforehand - but I ended up forcing too much and consequently throwing my gut into spasm. So I left for the barbeque feeling both constipated and competely cramped up. Not a fun combination.
I still managed to have a good time there - I had quite a bit of wine, and yes I know it aggravates IBS but I was trying to relax the iron-clad grip of my colon. And everyone seemed very pleased to see the "old me" back. My uncle gave me like a full-body-contact hug - he had also had a lot of wine, lol. When you are trapped in the ED mindframe of Skinny Is Best, you don't fully appreciate that it makes other people feel sad to look at you. Not just because you look, well, freakin' HUNGRY, but because you don't look like YOU. I mean, I just saw my aunt and uncle a few months ago, and yet when I walked in their house, it's like I was war-weary soldier returning from the front.
So yeah, I felt like crap physically but I also felt happy and loved. The weather was perfect and the food (and sangria!) were delish. And I had a great conversation with my cousin's girlfriend M who likewise suffers from bloating and constipation, and who likewise went to a naturopath (in fact, the same one I saw 13 years ago) who prescribed a rigid diet and a whack of supplements. M also felt the stress of trying to follow that diet. And she recently noticed that her stomach problems dissappeared while on vacation. So M is coming to feel that her unhappy gut has more to do with her stressful, drama-filled job than her diet. ]
However, M did mention that she found kefir was the one thing that seemed to help. I take a probiotic and I eat yoghurt, but I figured no harm in trying kefir as well, since she's the 3rd person in the last couple of months to mention it to me - my shiatsu guy just recommended it last week. So I picked some up today.
At the barbeque, I also couldn't help notice my other cousin C's approach to food (and yes, I notice everyone's approach to food). She had an eating disorder as a teen, and then shifted to a raw food diet, then eating for your blood type, etc. I think that a lot of formerly-ED people do this - sure, they aren't puking up their meals anymore, but they refuse to eat normally, always looking for the perfect, "right" diet. At least, I did. And I notice she is still quite slim, and still eats so differently than everyone else. And it makes me sad. She doesn't know I just spent 3 months in ED treatment, so I am thinking of writing her an email just sharing with her my experience. But I'm not sure I should meddle, as we are not that close.
There is a woman I work with who is perpetually "on a diet" and makes a lot of comments about other people's bodies and what they are eating. Today she came by my desk as I was eating lunch - cottage cheese, celery, peanut butter sandwich - and asked me if I was on a diet. I said no, why? She said, that just looks like diet food. I said, no I actually like cottage cheese. I am not sure of the point of this story. Just that I wish this woman would stop talking to me about diets and weight and don't X and Y have the most perfect bodies. As if I am now a card-carrying member of the not-perfect body club, along with her. Grrrr.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Shopping Is Bad for My Health
Yoga: 1.5 hour class (with the uber cute instructor who is gonna one day father my children)
Cramping: 5 (after dinner)
Bloating: 4
BM Satisfaction: 7
I had a pretty great morning and early afternoon - my usual ritual of yoga, shower, eat lunch while watching Come Dine with Me (brilliant show, if you like British humour and dinner parties), then to the grocery store for my week's haul. Yoga was with this gorgeous god of a teacher whom I want so much to impress with my perfect asanas. It's actually funny, sometimes when he is describing a pose, I get so distracted looking at his body that I don't listen to what he's saying, and then he gently chastises me for not following his instructions. If only he knew what was going on my little mind!
In late afternoon, I turned my mind to the question of what I'm going to wear tomorrow to a barbeque at my aunt and uncle's. I have debated all week whether I should even go. Frankly, I don't want them seeing me the way I look right now. I mean, these are my relatives, they've seen me in diapers. I am being ridiculous. But that's the ED, I guess. Anyway, I tried on a few of my things and just felt nothing is working on my body right now. It's easy to conceal thighs with a skirt, or arms with a t-shirt, but I find it impossible to hide the fact that I have almost no waist, a huge stomach and a muffin top.
Finally I settled on some yoga-type capri pants and wedge sandals but was still stumped in the shirt department. So I decide I'm just gonna pop into the stores to buy a looser style of tank top. Mistake. I wander the stores and all I see are clothes that I don't feel I can wear. Maybe I need to stop thinking I need to conceal my fat, maybe that's the problem. But I'm not there yet. All I saw were cute clothes that would have looked amazing on me 10 pounds ago. Fashion really is for the thin.
After about an hour of wandering through the racks, punctured by a few meltdowns as I stared down my bra-and-pantied reflection in the changing room mirros, I noticed my stomach felt tense. I was feeling fine before shopping. And it saddened me to know that I am letting my poor body image affect my gut, my digestion. Not only am I suffering mentally, but I am adding to my physical pain. It's horrible. It is a beautiful summer's day and I am walking down the street fighting back tears. And the only thing that calms me is telling myself that in a year's time, I won't look like this. That a year's worth of yoga and weight training....and yes, maybe even dieting.. I'll have a different, better shape. I'm be skipping down this same street with definition in my arms, an actual WAIST, a shitload of shopping bags, and a spring in my step.
But that thought, that image -that's not recovery. Recovery is accepting that this IS my body and appreciating it the way it is. I look at other girls on the street, and yeah, there are some teeny-weeny ones, but there a lot of girls who are bigger than me. And somehow they look fine in their clothes. Whereas I look atrocious. How can this be? I actually find myself thinking, "Well, that's okay for them, but not for me. I need to be thinner to be attractive." But why should the rules be different for me? I think that's always been at the core of my ED, the thought that I can't "get away" with just having a normal, average body. That because I am not the world's greatest beauty in terms of my face and hair, that I needed an astounding body to make up for it. And I still feel that way. That, as is, I am not good enough as I am. Guys aren't looking my way on the street these days. I am totally, absymally, ordinary.
Cramping: 5 (after dinner)
Bloating: 4
BM Satisfaction: 7
I had a pretty great morning and early afternoon - my usual ritual of yoga, shower, eat lunch while watching Come Dine with Me (brilliant show, if you like British humour and dinner parties), then to the grocery store for my week's haul. Yoga was with this gorgeous god of a teacher whom I want so much to impress with my perfect asanas. It's actually funny, sometimes when he is describing a pose, I get so distracted looking at his body that I don't listen to what he's saying, and then he gently chastises me for not following his instructions. If only he knew what was going on my little mind!
In late afternoon, I turned my mind to the question of what I'm going to wear tomorrow to a barbeque at my aunt and uncle's. I have debated all week whether I should even go. Frankly, I don't want them seeing me the way I look right now. I mean, these are my relatives, they've seen me in diapers. I am being ridiculous. But that's the ED, I guess. Anyway, I tried on a few of my things and just felt nothing is working on my body right now. It's easy to conceal thighs with a skirt, or arms with a t-shirt, but I find it impossible to hide the fact that I have almost no waist, a huge stomach and a muffin top.
Finally I settled on some yoga-type capri pants and wedge sandals but was still stumped in the shirt department. So I decide I'm just gonna pop into the stores to buy a looser style of tank top. Mistake. I wander the stores and all I see are clothes that I don't feel I can wear. Maybe I need to stop thinking I need to conceal my fat, maybe that's the problem. But I'm not there yet. All I saw were cute clothes that would have looked amazing on me 10 pounds ago. Fashion really is for the thin.
After about an hour of wandering through the racks, punctured by a few meltdowns as I stared down my bra-and-pantied reflection in the changing room mirros, I noticed my stomach felt tense. I was feeling fine before shopping. And it saddened me to know that I am letting my poor body image affect my gut, my digestion. Not only am I suffering mentally, but I am adding to my physical pain. It's horrible. It is a beautiful summer's day and I am walking down the street fighting back tears. And the only thing that calms me is telling myself that in a year's time, I won't look like this. That a year's worth of yoga and weight training....and yes, maybe even dieting.. I'll have a different, better shape. I'm be skipping down this same street with definition in my arms, an actual WAIST, a shitload of shopping bags, and a spring in my step.
But that thought, that image -that's not recovery. Recovery is accepting that this IS my body and appreciating it the way it is. I look at other girls on the street, and yeah, there are some teeny-weeny ones, but there a lot of girls who are bigger than me. And somehow they look fine in their clothes. Whereas I look atrocious. How can this be? I actually find myself thinking, "Well, that's okay for them, but not for me. I need to be thinner to be attractive." But why should the rules be different for me? I think that's always been at the core of my ED, the thought that I can't "get away" with just having a normal, average body. That because I am not the world's greatest beauty in terms of my face and hair, that I needed an astounding body to make up for it. And I still feel that way. That, as is, I am not good enough as I am. Guys aren't looking my way on the street these days. I am totally, absymally, ordinary.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Satisfaction
Yoga: 20 minute DVD
Other: shiatsu massage
Bloating: 7
Cramping: 3
BM Satisfaction: 8 (pretty freakin awesome)
Today I woke up still very bloated and was pretty uncomfortable all day. Felt better after shiatsu, then even better after I got home and went to the bathroom. I still don't have "complete" BMs but this one was pretty rad especially given how bad things have been for me lately.
I got on the scale this morning and it was a pound over what I consider my "upper limit" weight. Which bothered me all day. That number, coupled with the bloating and the general badness of my IBS lately, made me consider not going to a family barbeque this Sunday. These are relatives who haven't seen me since I regained weight. I am sure they will be thrilled to see I now look like a normal adult woman. But there is a part of me that worries they'll notice my rather ample gut and waist and think to themselves, "Why did she let herself gain THAT much weight?" or, "Wow, she really gains weight in all the wrong places". I am very, very self-conscious about my middle. I am an apple - and a particularly ripe apple at the moment.
I am also worried about how I'll feel on Sunday, will I be comfortable, will eating the rich food (my aunt is a phenomenal cook) and having some wine make me suffer more than it's worth. I will also admit, I am a bit wierd about timing. I am supposed to get to my aunt's house at around 3 pm. Which is when I usually go to the bathroom. So I am hoping I can manage to go before I leave my house, because for me it's a procedure far too lengthy to do at someone else's house. I would love to get to the point when I can go in the morning. As it is, I am constantly planning my day around having to be home in late afternoon.
I really like my shiatsu guy. I have had a LOT of experiences with alternative practicioners who put so much empahsis on what I'm eating. And their guidelines were often conflicting and invariably ruthlessly strict. He and I talk about diet but as he says, IBS is 20% about what I'm eating and 80% what is going on in my head and heart. As he kneaded my inner thigh (the Liver meridian in Chinese medicine, a key one for digestion. Get your minds out of the gutter, people!) he told me that too much thinking is bad for my digestion. I had to laugh - he now joins the ranks of men who have told me I think too much!
Other: shiatsu massage
Bloating: 7
Cramping: 3
BM Satisfaction: 8 (pretty freakin awesome)
Today I woke up still very bloated and was pretty uncomfortable all day. Felt better after shiatsu, then even better after I got home and went to the bathroom. I still don't have "complete" BMs but this one was pretty rad especially given how bad things have been for me lately.
I got on the scale this morning and it was a pound over what I consider my "upper limit" weight. Which bothered me all day. That number, coupled with the bloating and the general badness of my IBS lately, made me consider not going to a family barbeque this Sunday. These are relatives who haven't seen me since I regained weight. I am sure they will be thrilled to see I now look like a normal adult woman. But there is a part of me that worries they'll notice my rather ample gut and waist and think to themselves, "Why did she let herself gain THAT much weight?" or, "Wow, she really gains weight in all the wrong places". I am very, very self-conscious about my middle. I am an apple - and a particularly ripe apple at the moment.
I am also worried about how I'll feel on Sunday, will I be comfortable, will eating the rich food (my aunt is a phenomenal cook) and having some wine make me suffer more than it's worth. I will also admit, I am a bit wierd about timing. I am supposed to get to my aunt's house at around 3 pm. Which is when I usually go to the bathroom. So I am hoping I can manage to go before I leave my house, because for me it's a procedure far too lengthy to do at someone else's house. I would love to get to the point when I can go in the morning. As it is, I am constantly planning my day around having to be home in late afternoon.
I really like my shiatsu guy. I have had a LOT of experiences with alternative practicioners who put so much empahsis on what I'm eating. And their guidelines were often conflicting and invariably ruthlessly strict. He and I talk about diet but as he says, IBS is 20% about what I'm eating and 80% what is going on in my head and heart. As he kneaded my inner thigh (the Liver meridian in Chinese medicine, a key one for digestion. Get your minds out of the gutter, people!) he told me that too much thinking is bad for my digestion. I had to laugh - he now joins the ranks of men who have told me I think too much!
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Suppository Hell
Yoga: 20-minute Rodney Yee DVD
Other: Therapy
Bloating: 6
Cramping: 9
BM Satisfaction: 1
I had been taking Effexor for the past few days - I've decided to discontinue taking it because I am anxious about the side effects I've read about, and it seems counterproductive to be anxious about my anti-anxiety med. Anyway, the drug made me super constipated - if I don't go every day, it's very painful for me. So by this morning, after a night of restless, pain-tinged sleep, I threw in the towel and used a glycerin suppository. I haven't used one in months, and now I remember why! My bowel goes into the strongest spasm afterwards, just burning pain all day long. Ugh. Constipation is by far the lesser of the two evils. I promised my therapist I would throw out the suppositories once and for all. My colon spasms up just from "going" the regular way, so the last thing it needs is further provocation. For the constipation, I am going to up my Natural Calm (magnesium supplement) tonight, drink some pear juice and hope for the best tomorrow morning.
I was pretty bored at work today, and when I have time to kill, my mind tends to go to unproductive places. Today I was watching videos on YouTube about the raw food diet and its loyal adherents. It is still hard for me to watch this stuff without wondering if I could have better digestion with a different diet. Right now I'm eating a pretty standard diet - healthy, but "normal". Whole grains, lean proteins, dairy, fruit and veg. But for years I kept up a pretty stringent regime - no gluten, dairy, etc etc... but sometimes I wonder, did I not do enough? Was I eating too much sugar? Would juicing have made a difference?
Yesterday I bought some digestive enzymes and the health food store guy advised me to eat only warm foods. An acupuncturist I saw last month told me the same thing. I am not eating only warm foods. But I was, back last winter - and I was sicker than I'd ever been. So I am trying to take these people's advice with a grain of salt (or kelp-based salt substitute, in their world). It would be easier to do so if I had anyting ressembling a normally functioning bowel. And if I wasn't prone to the obsessive thinking that contributed to my eating disorder.
That's the thing - my mind will always search ways to perfect my body, my diet, my bowel movements - I want perfection in all these things and I must work on acceptance. That perhaps there is no "perfect" diet for my bowel, it's going to be spastic and wierd no matter what.
But I'm not sure. I'm just not sure.
Other: Therapy
Bloating: 6
Cramping: 9
BM Satisfaction: 1
I had been taking Effexor for the past few days - I've decided to discontinue taking it because I am anxious about the side effects I've read about, and it seems counterproductive to be anxious about my anti-anxiety med. Anyway, the drug made me super constipated - if I don't go every day, it's very painful for me. So by this morning, after a night of restless, pain-tinged sleep, I threw in the towel and used a glycerin suppository. I haven't used one in months, and now I remember why! My bowel goes into the strongest spasm afterwards, just burning pain all day long. Ugh. Constipation is by far the lesser of the two evils. I promised my therapist I would throw out the suppositories once and for all. My colon spasms up just from "going" the regular way, so the last thing it needs is further provocation. For the constipation, I am going to up my Natural Calm (magnesium supplement) tonight, drink some pear juice and hope for the best tomorrow morning.
I was pretty bored at work today, and when I have time to kill, my mind tends to go to unproductive places. Today I was watching videos on YouTube about the raw food diet and its loyal adherents. It is still hard for me to watch this stuff without wondering if I could have better digestion with a different diet. Right now I'm eating a pretty standard diet - healthy, but "normal". Whole grains, lean proteins, dairy, fruit and veg. But for years I kept up a pretty stringent regime - no gluten, dairy, etc etc... but sometimes I wonder, did I not do enough? Was I eating too much sugar? Would juicing have made a difference?
Yesterday I bought some digestive enzymes and the health food store guy advised me to eat only warm foods. An acupuncturist I saw last month told me the same thing. I am not eating only warm foods. But I was, back last winter - and I was sicker than I'd ever been. So I am trying to take these people's advice with a grain of salt (or kelp-based salt substitute, in their world). It would be easier to do so if I had anyting ressembling a normally functioning bowel. And if I wasn't prone to the obsessive thinking that contributed to my eating disorder.
That's the thing - my mind will always search ways to perfect my body, my diet, my bowel movements - I want perfection in all these things and I must work on acceptance. That perhaps there is no "perfect" diet for my bowel, it's going to be spastic and wierd no matter what.
But I'm not sure. I'm just not sure.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Effexor Panic
Yoga: 60-minute Rodney Yee DVD
Other: Therapy
Bloating: 6
Cramping: 0 (since I didn't go - no spasm afterwards)
BM Satisfaction: 0 (I am officially constipated - Effexor side effect)
So the drug I just started for anxiety is making me anxious. Specifically, the side effects I have been reading about on the internet have me pretty freaked out and very doubtful I'll continue this drug. It just seems very, very difficult to go off of - lots of scary-sounding withdrawal symptoms. And also... weight gain. I am reading stories of massive amounts of weight gain in a short period of time. I just... I can't.
The Effexor is already making me very constipated . If I don't go every day, it's serious trouble for me -I think because I have IBS, I am more sensitive to the contents of my bowel. I've missed two days now, I am hugely bloated and uncomfortable.
BUT I still did my yoga and I wore a baggy hoodie at work to conceal it.
I wrote an email to a pyschologist who blogs about eating disorders. I asked her what "recovery" from an ED looks like when you have IBS to contend with and can't simply "eat intuitively". An excerpt from her response:
My guess would be that your IBS was most likely caused or triggered by your eating disorder.
Any co-morbid conditions you may have, such as anxiety or depression, can also trigger or exacerbate IBS.
Another possibility is that you may not actually have IBS per se. As far as I know, doctors know very little about IBS and often use it as a "wastebasket diagnosis" after other possibilities have been ruled out, when they don't actually know what is causing the digestive problem.
What you (or your doctors) have labeled as IBS may simply be the remnants of ED and/or refeeding (which is also really hard on the digestive system). After 15 years of an eating disorder, most people would suffer some long-term damage to the digestive system as well as other body systems.
Most people with EDs experience bloating, gas, constipation, and gastroperisis (delayed gastric emptying) during and after weight restoration and normalization of eating patterns. This symptom usually remits after several weeks or months at a healthy weight with normalized eating. How long have you been weight restored? How long have you been eating normally (full range of food groups, adequate calories and fats, at least 3 times daily)? If you had an ED for 15 years, the process of normalizing digestion will obviously take longer than normal.
The psychological symptoms of ED (fear of certain foods, preoccupation with body image, etc.) will exacerbate any underlying physiologcal food intolerance.
If your digestive problems preceeded your ED, the digestive problems may have served as a gateway to the ED by prompting you to limit your diet and causing unintentional weight loss, thus triggering ED thoughts and behaviors.
In terms of treatment, I have heard anecdotal evidence that CBT can help with IBS. Specifically, learning to manage stress, relaxation training, and changing certain behaviors can help improve IBS symptoms.
I agree with her first statement - I believe my eating disorder caused my IBS. As for whether this is "real" IBS or simply the results of a malnourished digestive system... she is posing a question I have wondered for years. I suppose only time - time at a healhty weight, eating enough food - will tell.
Other: Therapy
Bloating: 6
Cramping: 0 (since I didn't go - no spasm afterwards)
BM Satisfaction: 0 (I am officially constipated - Effexor side effect)
So the drug I just started for anxiety is making me anxious. Specifically, the side effects I have been reading about on the internet have me pretty freaked out and very doubtful I'll continue this drug. It just seems very, very difficult to go off of - lots of scary-sounding withdrawal symptoms. And also... weight gain. I am reading stories of massive amounts of weight gain in a short period of time. I just... I can't.
The Effexor is already making me very constipated . If I don't go every day, it's serious trouble for me -I think because I have IBS, I am more sensitive to the contents of my bowel. I've missed two days now, I am hugely bloated and uncomfortable.
BUT I still did my yoga and I wore a baggy hoodie at work to conceal it.
I wrote an email to a pyschologist who blogs about eating disorders. I asked her what "recovery" from an ED looks like when you have IBS to contend with and can't simply "eat intuitively". An excerpt from her response:
My guess would be that your IBS was most likely caused or triggered by your eating disorder.
Any co-morbid conditions you may have, such as anxiety or depression, can also trigger or exacerbate IBS.
Another possibility is that you may not actually have IBS per se. As far as I know, doctors know very little about IBS and often use it as a "wastebasket diagnosis" after other possibilities have been ruled out, when they don't actually know what is causing the digestive problem.
What you (or your doctors) have labeled as IBS may simply be the remnants of ED and/or refeeding (which is also really hard on the digestive system). After 15 years of an eating disorder, most people would suffer some long-term damage to the digestive system as well as other body systems.
Most people with EDs experience bloating, gas, constipation, and gastroperisis (delayed gastric emptying) during and after weight restoration and normalization of eating patterns. This symptom usually remits after several weeks or months at a healthy weight with normalized eating. How long have you been weight restored? How long have you been eating normally (full range of food groups, adequate calories and fats, at least 3 times daily)? If you had an ED for 15 years, the process of normalizing digestion will obviously take longer than normal.
The psychological symptoms of ED (fear of certain foods, preoccupation with body image, etc.) will exacerbate any underlying physiologcal food intolerance.
If your digestive problems preceeded your ED, the digestive problems may have served as a gateway to the ED by prompting you to limit your diet and causing unintentional weight loss, thus triggering ED thoughts and behaviors.
In terms of treatment, I have heard anecdotal evidence that CBT can help with IBS. Specifically, learning to manage stress, relaxation training, and changing certain behaviors can help improve IBS symptoms.
I agree with her first statement - I believe my eating disorder caused my IBS. As for whether this is "real" IBS or simply the results of a malnourished digestive system... she is posing a question I have wondered for years. I suppose only time - time at a healhty weight, eating enough food - will tell.
Monday, August 23, 2010
A Bad Day
Yoga: nope
Other: therapy
Bloating: 9
Cramping: 2 (I only get crampy after I go. And I didn't go)
BM Satisfaction: 0 (see above)
Ugh, today sucked. I was really gassy last night, not sure why, so I had trouble getting to sleep and was awake for much for the night. I don't pass gas very easily, so it causes painful pressure and excruciating discomfort. I am currently tapering off zopiclone, which was my sure-fire way to get a full sleep, regardless of the air content of my colon. But in the past few days I have started tapering off that drug (while doubling my dose of amitryptiline) to see if the gradually the amitryptline alone can keep me sleeping.
I am also still fighting a little cold. So when I got to work it hit me that I felt awful. I left at noon for therapy and didn't come back. Took a sleeping pill (yes,the ones I'm supposed to be tapering off) and slept 4 hours.
Still feeling groggy from the pill, still feeling gassy. And constipated. And sore-throaty. Yeah, not really a top day today.
Other: therapy
Bloating: 9
Cramping: 2 (I only get crampy after I go. And I didn't go)
BM Satisfaction: 0 (see above)
Ugh, today sucked. I was really gassy last night, not sure why, so I had trouble getting to sleep and was awake for much for the night. I don't pass gas very easily, so it causes painful pressure and excruciating discomfort. I am currently tapering off zopiclone, which was my sure-fire way to get a full sleep, regardless of the air content of my colon. But in the past few days I have started tapering off that drug (while doubling my dose of amitryptiline) to see if the gradually the amitryptline alone can keep me sleeping.
I am also still fighting a little cold. So when I got to work it hit me that I felt awful. I left at noon for therapy and didn't come back. Took a sleeping pill (yes,the ones I'm supposed to be tapering off) and slept 4 hours.
Still feeling groggy from the pill, still feeling gassy. And constipated. And sore-throaty. Yeah, not really a top day today.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Thank You, Bowel!
Yoga: 1.5 hour Ashtange class
Bloating: 4
Cramping: 3
BM Satisfaction: 8 (it was truly a thing of beauty)
If only they could all be like today. Things just worked well. I did feel bloated after breakfast and would have liked to "go" then, but it only happened after lunch. Better late than never.
I am really struggling with body image. I feel that I look soooo much better at a lower weight. When I'm slimmer, I have an actual waistline, so my body looks more womanly. Some women find safety in anorexia because it robs your appearance of sexuality, reduces you to a narrow-hipped, breastless child. That wasn't really my experience. I felt sexier when I was slimmer, more feminine, more attractive to men. The only thing keeping me from trying to shave off 5 pounds is the fear that at a lower weight, I won't regain my period, and I will be infertile. Forever.
I am not sure I want kids at this point. And realistically, at the rate I'm going, it seems unlikely it'll happen. I haven't even been in a relationship for longer than a year. So I actually find myself thinking, "Well you may as well be thin, then." But that seems like a terrible bargain to make. The idea that I would refuse to weigh enough to be able to perform a near-universal femal function of bearing children. Kind of screams eating disorder, don't it.
Bloating: 4
Cramping: 3
BM Satisfaction: 8 (it was truly a thing of beauty)
If only they could all be like today. Things just worked well. I did feel bloated after breakfast and would have liked to "go" then, but it only happened after lunch. Better late than never.
I am really struggling with body image. I feel that I look soooo much better at a lower weight. When I'm slimmer, I have an actual waistline, so my body looks more womanly. Some women find safety in anorexia because it robs your appearance of sexuality, reduces you to a narrow-hipped, breastless child. That wasn't really my experience. I felt sexier when I was slimmer, more feminine, more attractive to men. The only thing keeping me from trying to shave off 5 pounds is the fear that at a lower weight, I won't regain my period, and I will be infertile. Forever.
I am not sure I want kids at this point. And realistically, at the rate I'm going, it seems unlikely it'll happen. I haven't even been in a relationship for longer than a year. So I actually find myself thinking, "Well you may as well be thin, then." But that seems like a terrible bargain to make. The idea that I would refuse to weigh enough to be able to perform a near-universal femal function of bearing children. Kind of screams eating disorder, don't it.
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